My own personal pain journal

So, things are going but also going sideways, haywire, etc. My work is nuts (I am directly involved in public information), and also we are seeing a lot of things shake down, as part of the pandemic.

It’s so stressful- for all. I am not a frontline worker, but I see the effects of this day by day. I am writing a list of fun things I want to do when this blows over/winds down (go travel, go out for a team breakfast! Run! Do a race!), but in the meantime, I vacillate between extreme self-pity,ย  fear and paranoia, to ‘it’s all okay’. UGH.

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Welcome darkness, my old friend… I REALLY don’t want to do this again. But I might. I guess when you’re going through hell, keep going.ย 

I also have a recurring stress fracture, so I can’t even run right now. Man, when it rains, it freaking pours eh? I guess the timing is (good? I disbelieve that word even as I write it) now that I can’t race anyways.

Just…Fuck me.

I did have a nice weekend though, believe it or not! I had a riding lesson on Saturday and Oats was great! He was my little superstar~ I rode on Sunday and let too much angst out, and I know I shouldn’t have. I am easily triggered right now, and I want to make it up to Oaty! He is being the best boy he knows how.

It was also like, gale-force windy this weekend, ALLLLLLL weekend. It finally lessened up on Sunday, so I rode and then my husband and I hiked up Mt. Finlayson. There I learned I am a huge chicken, and I was afraid of the steep, rocky bluff ascent. Yikes!

I refused to go back down that way (jesus, no.) in part because I was afraid of it, and also it was smoking busy! I didn’t feel comfortable hiking with so many people swarming around.

We went the long way down, got a bit turned around (thanks to the signs closing the one pathway that actually links back to the parking lot…sheesh), and then we made it home. And we shared a hotdog! Yum! ๐Ÿ™‚

I then drank wine, sat in the sun with a blanket – yes it was still chilly- but the sun had some strength that day.

So where does that leave us? Uncertain. Out of my control- even my body is out of my control. My mind? Yeah, that’s gone too. I don’t know anymore. But I can ride, so I will do that now and just …Keep on.

To quote Charles Dickens:

โ€œIt was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.โ€

Fading frontier

We had a lovely weekend for the start of November. It’s been so warm- almost freakishly so, coming off a really cold October. Apparently it was the coldest October in 80 years, and then now it’s been the nicest November that I can recall. Funny eh?

 

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Our view for the weekend.ย 

We rented a house in Sooke (my friend rented it for oh, about 11 of us…) to celebrate a whole bunch of late- October birthdays, my husband being one of them. We had such a blast! It was really chill, the house was big and since we got their earliest, we nabbed the biggest and best master bedroom. Plus we had our family with us (dog and bunny).

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A lot of this

We went on a short hike to Mystic Falls, and it was so warm on Saturday I couldn’t even believe it! No toques or gloves needed.

We enjoyed the hot tub, sauna (though on Saturday night the sauna made me feel sick, ugh!), ate and drank sooooo much. Yeah! We do group breakfasts and dinners, so Ian and I with our friend Jared managed Saturday morning’s breakfast (crepes- sweet and savoury). Delicious but we were a few crepes short unfortunately! We will have to make more next time.

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Ian apparently doesn’t know how to smile

Dinner was an amazing greek chicken night, with salad and greek potatoes and bread. YUM! I ate a ton. Probably why I felt sick in the sauna, come to think of it now…

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Gidget enjoyed a lot of attention this weekend

Breakfast the next day was amazing…Home-made Challah bread, which I have never had before! Turns out one of the guys in the group is a really good baker in his own right, who would have thought eh? It was soooooo good.

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We finished up the weekend by visiting the Sheringham Lighthouse. It was neat! It felt really good to sit back, relax and take a few days off from ‘real life’ since things have been just crazy busy in Oct (Kelowna race weekend, Ian’s birthday, Oktoberfest, MEC half-marathon, my mom’s birthday, my parents staying at my place for a few days, etc etc…just nuts!).

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The lighthouse

I always cherish these weekends. Ah, so nice.

Remember me

Had a pretty good riding week last week, despite it actually being kind of a washout, as far as real ‘riding work’ …We had to ride in the outdoor, because the indoor was being scraped and new footing added, so it was for a good cause! We all worked to rake down the new footing on Tuesday, and it was such good footing that by Thursday it was mostly ok to jump in! I didn’t think it would be, so I went to cancel my jump lesson- but happily we were able to keep it.

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I do miss jumping outdoors…

There were quite a few fireworks though, yiiikes. Oats is really good about that, but they were LOUD and going off right above his head. He was a little wigged out! Good for my lesson but up at the barn it was just so close and so loud. Can’t blame the little guy!

Thursday was also the first day that week we were cantering/jumping, ha. I don’t normally do that in the outdoor because the footing is just too deep for Oats and he struggles. I really don’t want him to get a tendon strain or something struggling in deep footing at this point. When it settles, then sure we can ride out there, and in the winter when they get lights up, bonus!

Our jump lesson featured trot-in gymnastics, which are normally the bane of my existence. This week, it was good! Smoother than normal, just pretty darn good for both of us. Yes!!

I didn’t ride on Friday because we were packing up and heading out to a house rental my friend booked in Sooke for a group weekend. We had a blast!! ๐Ÿ™‚ Now I feel totally exhausted and can’t keep my eyes open/fingers typing…So tired… Ugh.

I will spite survive

A few weekends ago I went horse camping with friends! It was for a local trainer’s ‘Wine, Women and Working Equitation’ camping and clinic weekend and it was 100% what I needed! Jane Stone offered the course (limited entry), I had a great time, and Oats is SO GOOD at working equitation! His keenness and flexibility to learn makes me feel just overjoyed!

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You can’t fake a smile like that! Photos are courtesy of photographer Christi Kay.ย 

I took the Friday off work and we hauled the horses and a metric ton of camping gear, hay, grain, water (there is a drought right now) up island for our camping weekend. We settled in and I was happy to see that I could camp right next to my boy!ย  How awesome is that? I think we bonded even more because we got to camp next to each other for two nights ๐Ÿ™‚

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The fixed gate obstacle was no problem for Oats!

Friday was an in-hand session, where we learned how to get the horse to yield and bend based off equitation science principles, specifically to work on aspects of the working equitation obstacles that we would be tackling. I’m not that great at in-hand… But hey low pressure and no fuss!

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Oats is so brave over the bridge!

Dinner that night was pizza from Prima Strada, and it was soooooo good. Yum! I sure ate well that weekend, no doubt. Saturday was our introduction to the obstacles, and we were all in different sessions. Oats was very cooperative about learning more about them (we have done a working equitation clinic before and loved it!) and he’s super good with the obstacles. Some of the other horses were not so sure about the obstacles…My friends each had their own hands full!

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I was…not great at the garrocha pole

Dinner was a potluck and we had a TON of food. I ate too much! hahah. My dear husband dropped off meatballs for me to bring AND cinnamon buns from the Ladysmith bakery (my absolute fav..ever!). It was just nice to relax and talk horses with my buddies.

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Around the ‘cattle pen’

Sunday was the ‘speed round’ and run-throughs of the course. Oats was a superstar~ I had trouble with the garrocha pole (felt like I was going soooooo fast, and had trouble timing it enough to grab it correctly), but man it was so fun.

It was exactly the weekend I needed, as I came home on Sunday night to pack for my flight out the next morning to work on my deployment to Lillooet. Busy busy!

Forever is a long time: Jump lesson update

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Jump 2 in the combination.

And spoiler: It was probably the worst I’ve had all season- even worse than the one I almost fell off in? And here’s the other shocker- while I was annoyed it was going badly while I was riding, I also felt…Fine. It was like, ok this is how it is going to go. I can deal. I’m glad I got media because my friend has been coming to take videos and I LOVE seeing her! She is so cool. Just a blast to be around. ๐Ÿ™‚

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We conquered the combination! One small win.

So what went down? It started pretty well actually! We schooled over a few x-rails (and I have to say, trotting bigger jumps really helps Oats and I to rock back, so maybe I should ask for that or practice it on my own next week…I hate it though!), and then schooled over the combination.

A few weeks ago, the combination was my BIGGEST bugaboo. HA. Now this week, we were crooked as all hell (coming out of the left is tough for us…the drift is real!) but we could buckle down and like, ride it? Rather than sitting and freezing up, ha.

So, the combination. Good! Check.

But when we went to ride the course, Oats got spooked by our friend in the field and slammed on the brakes at the first jump (the rocks) and then I looked down and stopped riding to the second jump (every time, as it turns out…the planks), and I started losing focus.

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This one rode fine for the most part- off a bending line (generous) plank jump.

The rest of the course rode pretty well at the lower height- no complaints there.

But then, I started losing touch of ‘soft’ and out of the saddle riding and basically every time I tried it, I disconnected and Oats stopped. Argh! So, that’s something to work on. He felt me disengage and he was like, nahhh…

Every time I buckled down andย RODE he was like oh yeah no problem! So, clearly my ‘being soft’ is the issue here.

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This line was a yawn, but it’s also where I started losing my shit…Ha.

And then when we went to ride our second course, a few more people joined and were hanging outside the ring, with a few dogs in the shadows. Of course Oats could NOT handle it…And I mentally had a lot of trouble regrouping, and adjusting my ride and my mindset. I guess I couldn’t handle it either? He wasn’t even being that spooky, hahah. I was frazzled!!! Jumping is hard enough for me without added distractions, though in hindsight, I do value them. If i can maintain focus in the ring for my jumps, that can only be a good thing for horse shows eh?

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I love that we match this jump perfectly!!

But…Yesterday I let it get to me.

We got around, and funny enough it was at the most boring, non-interesting jumps that we had the stops at (because I thought I could stop riding at them, obviously). Hah!

Oats is a saint though, and while he will definitely call me on my bullshit, he’s very honest and forgiving. He’s like, oh ok let’s do it! Literally doesn’t really notice from jump to jump. And let’s face it- I need to be more like that myself.

I miss you when I blink

So this was a loong and very fun weekend for me! The only (big, ugh) fly in the ointment? I’m still very injured – and I can’t run at all without shooting shin pain stabbing me every step. It aches every day, all day. It stabs when I try to run. I am not loving it.

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Ugh this sucks.

I did get to enjoy a lot of amazing friend time this weekend (spent the ENTIRE day on the beach, paddleboarding!!) and had a blast!

I also treated myself to a new swimsuit top, RockTape for my injury, flower headbands (what can I say, the filmย Midsomar inspired me…), and happy hour and a movie with my husband, AND I finally went to Red Barn and he made me a sandwich in the last 5 minutes of his time there. Success! I had many lovely rides, and even when I knew I wanted to get in a fight with Oats about contact (ugh, he was so heavy!) I pulled out an older trick I used (towel under the arm used to stabilize contact) and we had some truly excellent rides. His trot is to die for!

I also harvested, dehydrated and ate seaweed, from the beach near my house on Dallas Rd. Crazy eh?!!! Yum!!! There were, however, two horrifying bugs in it with literal pincers. YIKES. I ran away screaming and Ian had to handle the washing and processing of my harvested seaweed. UGH!!!

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Yummm!!

I also made these delicious blackberry popsicles! SO easy, good for you and delicious! Yeah!! (photos to come, I ate a bunch too quickly) I also included granola. ๐Ÿ™‚

โ€œYou are the kind of guy who always hopes for a miracle at the last minute.โ€

I did it!! I still have shoulder pain, and it was pretty bad last night AND freaking shin splints (that is bothering me the most right now. Funny timing, that.) BUT I was able to have and enjoy a jumping lesson last night.

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Christi came and took these amazing photos. So good!ย 

That’s right- one week out after my accident Oats and I are a team together, flying over (small) fences and kicking butt!! He was such a saint, too. We had a few weeks off with his sudden lameness, cancelled the show, and he was off last week when I had my accident. July was kind of a perfect storm for us, I am realizing.

I am hopeful that August will be better, and you know what? It already is. My scrapes are healing, I think my shin splints should clear up soon-ish (still, ouch.) and Oats is BACK baby!!!

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Photos courtesy of Christi.

I did feel anxious about the lesson. It’s been a few weeks, Oats hasn’t jumped in…Three weeks? Me either? I’m recovering from an accident? I have a hard time being kind to myself. It seems like pushing myself too hard, due to some deep lurking insecurity is my default mode. Not now. Not this time. I’m not interested in wallowing. For me, pushing too hard was a way of wallowing!

Being mentally stronger means I am ok with taking time off (god this is almost impossible for me). So I am scaling things back for a few weeks. I have also enjoyed the emotional and other type of support from my husband, my horse friends and colleagues. they get it…It’s hard. Plus my friends bought me the fancy new pink boots featured in photos today- I have been waiting WEEKS to debut his pink outfit! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I LOVE Oats in pink.

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Liverpool? What liverpool? Oats is the most casual pony on the planet.

I am still just riding a high. I’m jumping my best pony again. Things are gooooood. He was great last night, just basically, ”Snooze…I got this mom. You sit tight and I’m fine.” Love that he’s so low-key. Phew! What a golden boy. I wanted to jump higher, but I was afraid too. I was feeling a bit anxious and worried about jarring my injured shoulder. So, I was careful with myself, and didn’t let my ego dictate. There will always be more days to jump high, you know?

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I got this mom. It’s easy.ย 

When you start at the beginning, you have to go slow. You have to learn how to do it all over again (something like the quote from ‘Bright Lights Big City’….) And you can’t rush that process.