When the dentist isn’t so bad

Because you have this little cuddlebug on your lap the whole time! Her name is Rizzo and she is a rescue dog from Mexico. She is only 1 year old, but she’s incredibly well behaved and the loveliest little pup. She stayed with me during my appointment and snoozed on my lap (well, lap and chest lol) and made the whole experience so much better. (well, that and the fact that my teeth looked pretty good!).

Rizzo, your friendly dog companion at the dentist!

She is in ‘good etiquette’ classes right now and her owner is looking to have her assessed by St. John’s Ambulance to be a support animal. I think she’s the right dog for the job!

More chaos part 2?

Went a touch radio silent due to a lot of different factors all colliding at once, unfortunately:

Man, bring me back to this!

Major stress at work/burnout

Bad flareup of my chronic disease, ruinining an entire week of my life again

Oats went lame and I had a total meltdown over it

Gidget had a really bad flare up of her reverse sneezing and went into dog-shock for a few days. It was really hard to see 😦

So yeah…It was a very challenging period of weeks for me, Oats and the family.

Some bright sides: Oats lameness was temporary! He had a small abscess (in the same spot as his 2018 big abscess that summer) and now he is good to go. We even had a working equitation lesson on Sunday and he was a champ though I definitely felt quite rusty.

Work is ok for now and I am counting down the days until I am off on holidays!

My disease is back in remission until the next flare-up, and Gidget has a vet appointment today to figure out our next plan of attack. I don’t really expect that they will have any answers but…We made it over 3 weeks ago when we desperately needed it, so I still am hoping for some kind of solution or treatment for her symptoms.

I guess even through the blackest days, there is still hope?!

Also a bummer, but one I really knew was going to happen: My jump trainer who I have been with for over a decade (?!!) is not travelling to coach us anymore. I totally get it, no issue from me but it’s also a bit sad to see the end of an era.

I’ve reassessed mine and Oats relationships after his serious injury and jumping for competitions just doesn’t seem that worth it anymore? We’ve shown for so many years and it’s not always about ‘higher/faster/stronger’ for me– it’s about enjoying the journey and our relationship these days. I still love horse showing, but it’s not all what it’s cracked up to be, you know?

Discipline

To my extreme frustration, my leg is totally fucked. Like…I can tell the delamination has started and that was something I SO wanted to avoid. I started having trouble walking this week 😦 and it hurts going up the stairs, going down the stairs, and riding. YAY.

All that shockwave and strengthening exercises? Five WEEKS of them? Did shit all.

So I’m headed back down the road to having 6 months off. Yay me.

On that note, I’m stopping any attempt at running for a week, no more walk-jogs, nothing. If I can’t walk anymore, it’s gotten so much worse than how it started. 😦 Funny I have to have the discipline to NOT do anything???

Chaos by invitation?

Some good, some bad. I was celebrating on Friday (I can still drink sparkling wine, so that was on tap!) about Oats having his first riding lessons (though with trepidation), my leg was feeling better and things were looking up!

They still kind of are, but I am struggling with my leg injury again. ARGH. It was actively hurting today at the walk, which it hasn’t been since I got injured so good-byeeeee progress…. I had to go back to walking. Love it. Five weeks and counting, and I have not made measurable progress?? Things were looking up last week and then boom! Hurting again.

At least Oats is doing ok (watch I say that and then god only knows…). We had our lesson on Thursday, he had Friday off, then we did a lighter day on Saturday and he was pretty bad. Spooky, jumping out of his skin, etc etc. Our canter was nightmarish. Sunday he was worse- much spookier, and we were able to bump up the canter to three circles and they were all terrible, ha. Monday was another light day (we are doing it one day with more work, one day back off, much like what I was doing with my leg rehab until it got fucked up again). He was quite nice on Monday! Edgy and spooky, but his canter (only 1 circle) was quite lovely and his trot did get smoother, though I did feel resistance at first and it wasn’t amazing- just better.

And the weather, well I guess I can’t complain THAT much but can we get some spring weather?? Soon? Anytime? It feels like Feb. every single day. Some rain, but otherwise quite a dry March- just cold, unseasonably cold. Struggling to get to 10 deg, lows of 1 or -1 every night. What gives??? I have gone back to wearing my winter coats, because I have been so cold.

I guess the Year of my Discontent will just continue??? Or something? Good things are happening, just not very quickly and not very much good I guess.

At this point, food has been my only friend and companion!!

And history repeats itself

Well, it wouldn’t be a pandemic year without more disaster, right? To cope with many of the stressors I picked up during this weird and terrible time, I started running more at lunch. Like, a lot more. In normal times, I’d run about 5 days a week, and I went to 7 with the odd day off here and there. Fine right? Yep no prob.

And then I started adding in 1 day of hills, and 1 day of speed work (gradually over the past 6 months) and everything was great! I bumped up my daily run amount and kept the intensity. All was going well until…Tuesday. I ran the hills, and it was extremely tough due to 5 days of severe windstorms this week. I finished a bit short, and must have aggravated my stress fracture from 2019, because when I ran on Wednesday, my calf felt tight and then on Thur? BOOM. No go. Limping. 😦

Yeah really don’t want to go through this again. Damn

So, that’s where I am right now. Forced time off and time to re-evaluate my injury protocl. And of course after two weeks of miserable weather, it’s sunny and not too cold out. Eff my life! Wah wah. I know I did this to myself, but I also know that I probably can’t make myself stop, either.

Post-Shockwave. Eight sessions on this bad boy. REALLY don’t want to experience that pain again. 😦

So who knows what the future holds for my bad leg AND the hot spot on the bone is the same stress fracture spot as in 2019 (got them in both legs last time, fun fun…). EFF. 😦 Can’t catch a break eh? At least Oaty was golden last night. Three weeks to go!

You must go on. I can’t go on. I’ll go on.

From Samuel Beckett’s The Unnameable.

How I feel about this year, in a nut-shell. Basically a list of things that were taken from me, from us and not much else. How do you keep going? You keep going.

I keep a running list of things I desperately want to do when this BS is all over. Horse camping, riding lessons with Oats, a horse show, running in a race again, flying to Argentina for the holiday we cancelled, seeing my friends for happy hours…

In the meantime, what do we do? I started a 30-day yoga journey, from ‘Yoga with Adriene’ which I am really enjoying. Otherwise, I quit drinking for January and was successful with that! I also run every day at lunch, and have been adding in some Fitness Blender workouts with my puny and pathetic 4lb weights, 5lbs weights and my lone 10lb weight. Hey, that’s all I’ve got!

I also enjoy eating a little too much, since I don’t have anything else to really do or enjoy these days. Little Cesars for the win! I also spend a lot of time watching TV, and hanging out with Gidget and Tucker and my husband.

Otherwise, this entire past year is a freaking washout. Goodbye forever, that piece of my life.

Making progress

It’s been a really tough year and I feel like I can mark the year in ‘pandemic year’ and ‘Oats injury year’ and they both suck. However I might be seeing a light at the end of the suck. We had our third ultrasound last Tuesday and I was biting my nails worried about how it would go (he felt great, but was that enough??) and luckily it WAS GREAT! 🙂

Look at us go! First time on almost 7 months!!!

Yay!!

So, we got the all-clear to start a modified canter rehab. Canter one day, trot work the next, rinse and repeat for the next 9 weeks. After week 5, we can do continuous canter. That is great news!! We did our first canter last Wed, and then another canter on Saturday. He was golden for the canter! He was not so great about the ‘spooky corner’ which he has increasingly been an idiot about, but oh well. I did crack him on top of the head when he was getting light and running backwards and that didn’t really de-escalate, more like it really pissed him off and he got furious and bucking and rearing, hah!

So, we manage day by day and I look forward to the day we can do things again- riding lessons, jumping, a trail ride with friends… It’s been a super hard winter people. And good news too- my ratty little furball rabbit decided to start eating again! He goes off his food once every two months or so, and then it’s syringe-feed time all the time. It sucks and it is also immensely stressful. Good times…

He loves his buffet when he IS eating 🙂

It’s a wonderful life

I abandoned the blog because things got too depressing, for a very long time. They still kind of are, but I figured I might jump back in for a few minor updates.

Very chilly Xmas eve morning when we did our rehab SO early!

Oats had his second ultrasound and the vet was not promising about his recovery. That hurt, a lot. But there were silver linings- he trotted sound, and we were grudgingly cleared to begin trot rehab. We are now entering month six of his injury, and week 8 of trot rehab. We got to trot AROUND A CORNER this week! Guys, this is big. Huge even.

It’s still depressing as hell, and every time I let myself feel hope, I regret it.

I am running, and my shoes hurt my arthrits bump on my foot, unfortunately. I have new great shoes courtesy of my husband for Xmas, and I’m looking forward to having that fix it!!

I’ve relied very heavily on my friends and husband as a support network this year, to make sure I don’t find the highest building and jump off of it. They have been so amazing and kind and generous- when I think about how much they have helped me, heard me out, it makes me want to cry! I am truly fortunate to have these kind and generous people in my life. More so than my so called family, anyways!!

Faith in our jump lessons!

And I am taking jump lessons again too! That makes Tuesdays (ok, today, haha) a very long marathon day but you know what? Screw it. You only live once, so LIVE IT FOR ONCE! The trainer is very reasonably priced so I can afford to do that while Oats is laid up and the owner is not charging me a lease fee so even better! The mare is green with mild navicular, so we are limited in height/technical capability, but I am still enjoying the feeling of ‘riding’ and ‘jumping’ after six month of…walking. It’s a soul killer.

So, that’s that. I don’t have a lot to be thankful for, and I mostly mark time to pass. Some days are even ok, or close to good? But they are not great, and I don’t know, during a pandemic that I have to work in, when great will happen ever again.

Help me

My life in a nutshell. Check out the artist exhibit at https://www.vancouverbiennale.com/artworks/vancouver-novel/

So, yeah.

Yesterday’s update was ok. Not good, not bad. Truth be told, I struggle every single day with this strange, ‘Groundhog Day’ life I live now. I basically complain every day that things never get better- only worse. That isn’t true, but darn it feels like it is.

So far this year/month/months/existence…

I had some time off this summer, long weekends and such- after working on 40 events in 2 weeks, it would be nice to have time off right? WRONG. We got seriously affected by bad air quality, thanks to forest fire smoke sweeping across our province. I sat inside and cried all weekend, most weekends. Time off was my enemy.

My mental health started crumbling. Pretty badly actually. I’m going to start taking anti-anxiety medication, to see if I can get through this period of my life.

I accidentally poisoned myself with Lobster mushrooms. Now that is a fun experience…It felt like my stomach was turning itself inside-out.

At the same time as my painful food poisoning, I had a SEVERE flare-up of endometriosis. So fun. Imagine your stomach in incredible pain, and then having excruciating cramps, bloating, back pain and crushing fatigue at the exact same time. I couldn’t eat, I was starving, and yet my abdomen was so bloated out I couldn’t do up my jeans. I have been on a treatment for this disease, but man, the flare-ups are killing me.

I got a cold, out of nowhere? How? I don’t even go anywhere?

I haven’t really felt that motivated to do anything that I normally enjoy. I run a lot, when I’m too sick or weak to do so. But I feel like a hollow shell of who I used to be, generally.

I got sick, from some bizarre reaction to wine of all things? I had a 7-day sinus headache, chills, body aches, and fatigue. I had to get a COVID19 test, because those were all symptoms, of course. It was negative, luckily! But the test itself also didn’t work that well- it jammed against my sinuses and they said they’d never had that happen before… Now it feels like I have a hole in my left sinus. WTF?

I was too weak from the cold, and then back-to-back disease flare-up and concurrent mushroom poisoning to do much working out, running, or anything. I basically worked, and then went to job # 2, Oats.

Oats then got diagnosed with cushings. A mild case, the vet was careful to tell me, but worth treating ASAP. So, I get to now spend more $$$$ than ever on a broken pony. He is on Previcox for arthritis, Prascend for cushings, I had to buy low-sugar hay, and now monthly vet visits for ultrasounds and check-ups. Yay.

I had to edit this to add that I broke off about half a tooth eating popcorn in Nov as well. Fortunately the dentist could save the rest of the tooth and patch it together with a big filling, but he warned me that if I break another chunk off (like the molar I broke off last year at the same time) I will need a crown and it’s the end of the line for that tooth. LOVE IT. EFF.

So, yeah. Lots to be thankful these days <<sarcasm alert>>

Living with endometriosis

So yeah, I inadvertently got diagnosed (unofficially) last summer. The extreme pain got too great for me to handle and I was desperate. The fun thing about endometriosis is that you can get it at anytime, at any age apparently. Mine got triggered by having the Mirena IUD for some reason, and then it was a full-on ride to pain town for years. 😦 It does not respond to painkillers, at all. I have burned a hole in my stomach from trying to use ibuprofen with Tylenol to try to function, and it never worked.

On bad days I am vomiting in pain with extreme bloating and discomfort. I have chronic fatigue with terrible back pain with flare-up days and my stomach is in a turmoil with IBS-like symptoms. It’s miserable.

On good days I can function, I am not dizzy and incredibly fatigued, my stomach looks NORMAL and sometimes even *gasp* Good??

Sadly, even with a new medication (Visanne) that I started taking about 5 months ago, I don’t have all good days. It started off terrible- horrible periods that hemorrhaged, awful cramps, bloating, back pain, exhaustion- and then for about 2 blissful months I had nothing! It felt incredible!

And then it immediately relapsed and now I have bad weeks again. 😦 the doctor I am seeing- who is a specialist- said to hang on and it should be getting better, but so far it has NOT gotten better. My bad days aren’t as bad as they were, but they still suck a 100000% worse than those good 2 months I had.

I am starting to wonder if Visanne is enough, or I should start looking at other options, like a surgical intervention. This is a life-altering disease, and causes severe, chronic pain and discomfort. I hate living with it, and it greatly affects my personal quality of life.