I am not sure if I want to blog right now. Since my life (and everyone else’s) is currently on hold…So should the blog.
But I also got inspired to do more essay writing after reading something particularly poignant from Tim Kreider, so …Some writing.
I voluntarily stayed home to work starting last Thursday. I felt VERY uneasy about the sheer volume of people in my office, lack of space, and potential for some excellent contamination in the washrooms, shared work fridge, kitchens, elevators, stairways…You name it. We did not receive ANY direction from our leadership on this matter, and that was absolutely doing my head in. What do I DO? People need to be told, led, showed! Make the right choice.
I also have horrendous allergies, which cause severe asthma daily. I can’t really afford to have even more problems breathing, which I do every day with medication.
So I made my choice and I felt good about it.
However, other choices aren’t so easy. The weather here is GORGEOUS. We had a single week span of straight-up sunshine. That isn’t something we see often on the ‘West Coast’ here and damn, it was heart achingly beautiful. And that drew absolutely everyone out to the beaches, the parks, the trails. In a pandemic.
Are we making the right choice? Some of us are. I was at the beach too, with everyone. We stayed away from people, kept at a safe distance and didn’t drink from water fountains, touch hand railings, nothing. But the optics remain poor in this time of public distance-shaming.
For example the ‘regulars’ at Sketchy Beach (I call it that because of them) were out in full force all weekend/week. Shirtless, smoking, drinking, playing volleyball at an ersatz ‘court’ they set up on the beach, they were allll out there, about 15 people. Of course this looks TERRIBLE. And I soon saw the police out there.
Use some common sense people. Party time with beach volleyball, during a pandemic where people are urged to self isolate/distance? And these morons are out, suns out guns out? Their sheer in-your-face idiocy is stunning. I complained to my husband that because of the blatant partytime of these people, it’s going to get ruined for everyone. Even people who are alone out for a walk with their dogs.
He told me that of course these people are out, flaunting the rules. It’s literally their time.
I felt this most intensely this weekend. The juxtaposition of the setting sun, the soft murmuring of people explaining the rules of a card game to their group, a water bottle full of Rose and ice and good book and this weird, creeping paranoia are extremely challenging. I feel dizzy, off balance.
I can’t reconcile it in my head. It’s so nice out, the sun glitters on the water. People are out, but it’s like we are all pretending that we are okay, while our world, as we know it, will never be the same. It’s like looking directly at the sun. We know it’s there, but if we stare too long and too hard, we’ll either go insane or never see correctly again.
If I think too long and too hard, about it and about the future, I’ll never be able to go back again. Are we lying to ourselves? To save ourselves?
We are not good with the present. Living in a day-to-day, moment by moment reality is really hard, and every day I fight with myself about trying to stay positive, vs. dissolving into helpless tears. Social media really does NOT help. This is my job, and I am in it all day everyday.