My own personal pain journal

So, things are going but also going sideways, haywire, etc. My work is nuts (I am directly involved in public information), and also we are seeing a lot of things shake down, as part of the pandemic.

It’s so stressful- for all. I am not a frontline worker, but I see the effects of this day by day. I am writing a list of fun things I want to do when this blows over/winds down (go travel, go out for a team breakfast! Run! Do a race!), but in the meantime, I vacillate between extreme self-pity,  fear and paranoia, to ‘it’s all okay’. UGH.

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Welcome darkness, my old friend… I REALLY don’t want to do this again. But I might. I guess when you’re going through hell, keep going. 

I also have a recurring stress fracture, so I can’t even run right now. Man, when it rains, it freaking pours eh? I guess the timing is (good? I disbelieve that word even as I write it) now that I can’t race anyways.

Just…Fuck me.

I did have a nice weekend though, believe it or not! I had a riding lesson on Saturday and Oats was great! He was my little superstar~ I rode on Sunday and let too much angst out, and I know I shouldn’t have. I am easily triggered right now, and I want to make it up to Oaty! He is being the best boy he knows how.

It was also like, gale-force windy this weekend, ALLLLLLL weekend. It finally lessened up on Sunday, so I rode and then my husband and I hiked up Mt. Finlayson. There I learned I am a huge chicken, and I was afraid of the steep, rocky bluff ascent. Yikes!

I refused to go back down that way (jesus, no.) in part because I was afraid of it, and also it was smoking busy! I didn’t feel comfortable hiking with so many people swarming around.

We went the long way down, got a bit turned around (thanks to the signs closing the one pathway that actually links back to the parking lot…sheesh), and then we made it home. And we shared a hotdog! Yum! 🙂

I then drank wine, sat in the sun with a blanket – yes it was still chilly- but the sun had some strength that day.

So where does that leave us? Uncertain. Out of my control- even my body is out of my control. My mind? Yeah, that’s gone too. I don’t know anymore. But I can ride, so I will do that now and just …Keep on.

To quote Charles Dickens:

“It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.”

Whose name made you drink enough to forget your own?

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Ten years! wow time flies. 

We celebrated our TENTH year anniversary yesterday! I can hardly believe it still. It seems like yesterday I was 23, and getting married. It was a really hot day, just gorgeous. It makes me feel a bit sad to think about that, because it also feels like it hasn’t been that hot ever since, and I miss the summers, like how they used to be.

where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”

A lovely Warsan Shire quote.

We had a good run club day, and a fabulous dinner by my husband! So thoughtful and awesome. I feel like I’m not worthy sometimes! We were pretty young when we got married, and even to this day I feel conflicted, of two minds about marriage. On one hand, I hate it. It’s a silly tradition, designed to make people ‘property’ of each other. When I got married, I couldn’t care less (and DIDN’T!) about the stupid fripperies of weddings. Cake? sure. Dress? NOT WHITE please and thank you. Bridesmaids? No. Wedding showers? NO. Flowers? I’m allergic… So yeah, you get the idea. Me + weddings = bad idea.

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This doesn’t even feel that long ago. It was a gorgeous day. 

Still, I had one (a wedding I mean, not a bad idea. I still have lots of those). It was fine, and I had a great time with my family, friends, on a day that felt like it was tailor-made for me. It was also incredibly stressful, dumb, and a waste of time and money. I would  NEVER get married again with a wedding. Thanks but no thanks. I felt annoyed that we had to get married to be legitimized in the view of our laws, society and my family and still feel annoyed by that. So, that’s still a thing.

I never took my husband’s name, and I’m proud and glad I didn’t. It honestly never occurred to me that I should? (?? or to him that I should also, which is even more important). I am owned by nobody, and I also don’t own him.

It’s a good day, and more importantly, one I mark by also reminiscing that it is the anniversary of me buying my other love of my life, Mr. Oats!

Without my wedding, our disastrous one-year anniversary ‘surprise’, I wouldn’t have had him in my life either, and I guess the subsequent challenges, heartbreak, drama, happiness, joy, or pleasure either. Life is more than black and white, to me, a very black-and-white thinker. Oh and if you aren’t sure if your wife is claustrophobic, don’t go ahead and book a 6-hour cave exploring adventure, just to be sure. It’s a bad idea. Go for a spa trip or something nice!!! For the love of god or else she will buy a horse that day. Immediately. 😉

I am definitely not a great wife, but in the words of Walt Whitman, “I am as bad as the worst, but thank god, I am as good as the best.”