When it feels like it’s going to rain every day for the rest of your life

So, dealing with some parent drama again, and I really hate it. I have no idea what to do, don’t live close (on the opposite end of the country, by choice) and really dislike picking sides.

My perspective

What am I supposed to do? How do I help? Should I help?

ARGH.

Not a fun weekend. When I said Christmas was stressful, I meant it had good and bad moments. The bad were tense moments, and now that’s all I have.

And now I’m dragging it into work with me, because I’m not sure what to do, and who to talk to. So I’m telling everyone. I know I probably shouldn’t, but I need to make this feel like not *just* my problem, alone.

Sigh…

to be continued…

And it has been raining for two days straight.

Happy Halloween!

Yep it’s that big day again- and it’s on a Friday! Yeah~

Jack O’lanterns

In honour of Halloween, we are making caramel apples. Yumm…I’m really looking forward to them. We did that awhile ago- probably like 7 years ago with friends, so it’s kind of a fun re-enactment.

I also love spooky movies if you hadn’t guessed, so we have been watching some good ones on Canadian Netflix- recent standouts include We Are What We Are, Resolution (it was ok, still not completely sure how I feel about it) and the Den– which was excellent.

I also highly recommend VHS, which is not available on Netflix but worth the search- Netflix has VHS 2 for some reason…It’s not as good.

Oh and I enjoyed The Sacrament by Eli Roth and Ti West. It isn’t as good as it could have been, but pretty well done nonetheless.

So yay Halloween! It’s rainy and pretty miserable here, makes me sort of glad I’m too old to trick or treat haha,

Oh and an Oats update from my lesson with Nicole yesterday- Wow. It was a toughie.

I got pretty worked up, he actually cow-kicked out when I first got on for some reason?? And he felt pissy, AGAIN.

Pissy, rude, balky and bucky. Wonderful…We were NOT CLICKING at all. I was getting madder and madder, ready to spit nails. I was frustrated, and annoyed and like- I can’t be doing all this work to keep GOING BACKWARDS?!!!

Our run through the gymnastic was sloppy, we weren’t in sync for anything, and I was just so.pissed.off.at.him.

So….What did we do? Well, as I recall very recently- ”When you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Encouraged by Nicole, I took a few (a lot) of deep breaths and just keep plugging away. And did it get better? Yes. Did it get great? Nope! Not at all! Was it the lesson I *thought* I was going to have? A big NO to that one too!

So…A few good takeaways (even though the bitter, curmudgeonly part of me is still a bit incredulous about Oats. WTF pony? I hate you sometimes!!). It felt like I was trying to literally push him up a hill the entire lesson. He was so resistant, and fussy and balky. And the rude kind of balky, that makes me worried that he’s going to start bucking and NOT STOP until I’m on the ground.

But, before I get dragged into the bad, here is the good!

– I didn’t let my anger at Oats take over my whole lesson. True we had a few hissy fit moments, but we didn’t let it go overboard.

-I continued the exercises and completed them and they DID get better.

-I managed to trot a circle jump even after we blew it at the canter. Baby steps?

-We got more in-sync as we progressed.

-He didn’t buck! He had a few hiccupy, hissyfit moments. But no big EFF YOU bucks.

Curious…very curious progress(?????????) I use that word skeptically and with MUCH questioning it.

Oh and my dog was sick all night- luckily my long-suffering husband dealt with her but jeeeeesus. So gross. So annoying. Poor Gidget!

When you’re going through hell, keep going?

So, I debated for awhile about blogging about yesterday because I still feel rather emotional. And it’s weird, I have been feeling strangely blah, out of it, super emotional and in a real mood, funk, and whatever for WEEKS now. Maybe even months?

I just can’t seem to shake it! This feeling like the other shoe is about to drop.

And yesterday it sort of did. With Oats, of all things. Of course.

I had a lesson with Karen Brain and I mentioned he was bucking with me on Sunday, and I managed to stick it, but that his attitude felt like…MAKE ME! Or maybe…EFF OFF!

He bucked again when I was warming up for the canter before my lesson, before Karen got there, and I felt edgy and concerned. We do not have a great history with his antics, and it makes me anxious, grabby and fearful. Are we constantly doomed to move backwards?

We started the lesson and it was going pretty well, he still felt a bit ‘tense’ but dressage work is not his forte and we’ve been working hard through some evasions. So far so good, until we worked on the right-lead canter…(this is the side he’s been bucking me on lately).

And BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! I got flung right off, he wouldn’t stop bucking, and I couldn’t hang on. I’m not THAT great at sticking a buck. I can usually get him stopped before it gets to that point, but there was no saving it yesterday.

I landed fine (turns out constantly falling off is making me better at protecting myself) and instantly burst into tears and said I didn’t want to get back on.

That was ok, Karen got him organized and then TOOK HIM TO TASK.  Like, back up? Oh, he says no? Ok GO GO GO GO. Go forward and he says no? Ok, BACK UP MORE!

Sideways no-go? MOVE YOUR FEET!

Forwards? a rear? MOVE!

He was being very dramatic! He reared, high-ho Silver! style.

He went two rounds with Karen, who was not interested in taking his shit. He looked submissive after the first round, but then was geared up to protest mightily for the second. I spent most of the time watching and feeling upset. WTF?

She said he’s being dominant, and that it’s a matter of working through it on the ground first, before I am ‘at his mercy’ in the saddle and he bucks me off. That’s his way of working through stuff he doesn’t want to do.

So, I have to get side-reins and longe him, in a productive fashion, until I feel comfortable getting back on. And if I sense anything from him, get off and longe again. Repeat as necessary, until he gets that ‘soft’ look and his head comes down, but not if he barges into my space.

And of course, this comes during a time when I’m feeling more blah than ever. Less motivated than ever, less interested in working through this than ever. Like where does that leave me? Crying my eyes out at night, and having nightmares about being involved in a car accident. That’s where. And as an added bonus, I look like absolute shit today, so bad that my co-workers noticed and asked if I was sleeping ok. (they are the nicest! and no, I had a terrible sleep. Terrible!!!!!)

WHY why why why why why

I officially hate my pony. There, that is it.