My own personal pain journal

So, things are going but also going sideways, haywire, etc. My work is nuts (I am directly involved in public information), and also we are seeing a lot of things shake down, as part of the pandemic.

It’s so stressful- for all. I am not a frontline worker, but I see the effects of this day by day. I am writing a list of fun things I want to do when this blows over/winds down (go travel, go out for a team breakfast! Run! Do a race!), but in the meantime, I vacillate between extreme self-pity,  fear and paranoia, to ‘it’s all okay’. UGH.

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Welcome darkness, my old friend… I REALLY don’t want to do this again. But I might. I guess when you’re going through hell, keep going. 

I also have a recurring stress fracture, so I can’t even run right now. Man, when it rains, it freaking pours eh? I guess the timing is (good? I disbelieve that word even as I write it) now that I can’t race anyways.

Just…Fuck me.

I did have a nice weekend though, believe it or not! I had a riding lesson on Saturday and Oats was great! He was my little superstar~ I rode on Sunday and let too much angst out, and I know I shouldn’t have. I am easily triggered right now, and I want to make it up to Oaty! He is being the best boy he knows how.

It was also like, gale-force windy this weekend, ALLLLLLL weekend. It finally lessened up on Sunday, so I rode and then my husband and I hiked up Mt. Finlayson. There I learned I am a huge chicken, and I was afraid of the steep, rocky bluff ascent. Yikes!

I refused to go back down that way (jesus, no.) in part because I was afraid of it, and also it was smoking busy! I didn’t feel comfortable hiking with so many people swarming around.

We went the long way down, got a bit turned around (thanks to the signs closing the one pathway that actually links back to the parking lot…sheesh), and then we made it home. And we shared a hotdog! Yum! 🙂

I then drank wine, sat in the sun with a blanket – yes it was still chilly- but the sun had some strength that day.

So where does that leave us? Uncertain. Out of my control- even my body is out of my control. My mind? Yeah, that’s gone too. I don’t know anymore. But I can ride, so I will do that now and just …Keep on.

To quote Charles Dickens:

“It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.”

Movie review: American Ultra

Woah…

After watching an advance screening of this flick, all I can say is that I did not expect Jesse Eisenberg to be in quite the hardcore ‘shoot ’em up’ movie, that was also a comedy?

Don’t be fooled- he’s still funny and the film has some very hilarious moments- also poignant ones- but the action/adventure is heavy at times, and the violence is of the super close up camera angles with blood splattering style. Which I am personally not opposed to, but I was just surprised at the over-the-top gun fights!?

I did find it interesting that Eisenberg’s character Mike suffers from phobias and panic attacks that leave him unable to get on an airplane, or drive beyond the city limits, and this is all due to government-implanted thoughts in his brain (so, brainwashing). It made me wonder that if it kind of washes out the real issues people have with those things, and real panic attacks/anxiety that people get, normal every day people who aren’t secret sleeper agents who have these phobias planted in their brains to protect them…They don’t get an ‘easy out’ quite like Mike did?

But anyways it’s a fun action flick, I kind of wanted to shake Mike when he started fizzing out at his ‘girlfriend’/handler when she tries to tell him the truth and he loses his shit. Why didn’t he want to hear the truth from someone who gave up everything to be with him?

That was a part of the movie I didn’t necessarily agree with, but it did play into his character’s latent paranoia.

If you liked Pineapple Express you’ll like this one- though I do think it is better! You have to be ready to watch some really splashy shoot-out scenes and unmitigated hand-to-hand fighting involving a frying pan, spoon, can of tomatoes and a bag of frozen hamburgers.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…