You must go on. I can’t go on. I’ll go on.

From Samuel Beckett’s The Unnameable.

How I feel about this year, in a nut-shell. Basically a list of things that were taken from me, from us and not much else. How do you keep going? You keep going.

I keep a running list of things I desperately want to do when this BS is all over. Horse camping, riding lessons with Oats, a horse show, running in a race again, flying to Argentina for the holiday we cancelled, seeing my friends for happy hours…

In the meantime, what do we do? I started a 30-day yoga journey, from ‘Yoga with Adriene’ which I am really enjoying. Otherwise, I quit drinking for January and was successful with that! I also run every day at lunch, and have been adding in some Fitness Blender workouts with my puny and pathetic 4lb weights, 5lbs weights and my lone 10lb weight. Hey, that’s all I’ve got!

I also enjoy eating a little too much, since I don’t have anything else to really do or enjoy these days. Little Cesars for the win! I also spend a lot of time watching TV, and hanging out with Gidget and Tucker and my husband.

Otherwise, this entire past year is a freaking washout. Goodbye forever, that piece of my life.

It’s a wonderful life

I abandoned the blog because things got too depressing, for a very long time. They still kind of are, but I figured I might jump back in for a few minor updates.

Very chilly Xmas eve morning when we did our rehab SO early!

Oats had his second ultrasound and the vet was not promising about his recovery. That hurt, a lot. But there were silver linings- he trotted sound, and we were grudgingly cleared to begin trot rehab. We are now entering month six of his injury, and week 8 of trot rehab. We got to trot AROUND A CORNER this week! Guys, this is big. Huge even.

It’s still depressing as hell, and every time I let myself feel hope, I regret it.

I am running, and my shoes hurt my arthrits bump on my foot, unfortunately. I have new great shoes courtesy of my husband for Xmas, and I’m looking forward to having that fix it!!

I’ve relied very heavily on my friends and husband as a support network this year, to make sure I don’t find the highest building and jump off of it. They have been so amazing and kind and generous- when I think about how much they have helped me, heard me out, it makes me want to cry! I am truly fortunate to have these kind and generous people in my life. More so than my so called family, anyways!!

Faith in our jump lessons!

And I am taking jump lessons again too! That makes Tuesdays (ok, today, haha) a very long marathon day but you know what? Screw it. You only live once, so LIVE IT FOR ONCE! The trainer is very reasonably priced so I can afford to do that while Oats is laid up and the owner is not charging me a lease fee so even better! The mare is green with mild navicular, so we are limited in height/technical capability, but I am still enjoying the feeling of ‘riding’ and ‘jumping’ after six month of…walking. It’s a soul killer.

So, that’s that. I don’t have a lot to be thankful for, and I mostly mark time to pass. Some days are even ok, or close to good? But they are not great, and I don’t know, during a pandemic that I have to work in, when great will happen ever again.

The heart of a dark star: Jump lesson update

Ok, you know how I was saying how amazing my dressage lesson was, and how we were killing it? Picture that, but like..the total opposite in my jump lessons. ARGH. My release was all over the place, wicked right drift, you name it, we were doing it.

low course 1_Moment

Miss this- the sun, having this outdoor, jumps, everything. This year is turning out to be the worst yet! 

Oats tripped over the grid we were working on and almost face-planted through it. He couldn’t trot or canter a single pole without hitting it, HARD.

It didn’t feel that harmonious and I wanted to fix it, but you know what? It also didn’t feel scary or intimidating, just kind of frustrating. I want to be back where I was, you know? Confidently cantering 2’6-2’9” courses, instead of…face-planting through a tiny grid. HAH.

Oh well, I guess by lesson 3 back, I have not yet gotten it all figured out, that’s for darned sure. SO humbling and painful, ha.

Lessons we learn…not always the ones we intend on.

Also another gripe about the weather: It sucks. It always sucks here. We don’t get summer, apparently…Just wind, rain, sun, wind, rain and more wind. I’m freezing!!

Oh and I had the farrier out (love his new farrier) and Oats was TERRIBLE for her. Sheesh. What a jerkface. AND he tried to run over one of the girls at the barn in a bid to escape his paddock. He can be the biggest brat ever!