And pre-Christmas blues

Actually, I had pre-Christmas blues instead of post-Christmas and WOW they were horrible. I wrote a cheery blog post two days before I had time off, I had talked with a counselor and I was feeling pretty darn great!

And then my last day of work, basically everything exploded and it was horrible.

I learned that two of our staff members were leaving, to add to the two who had already left in Dec. I went to the gym for lunch, and came back to work and was called in to my friend and former manager’s office urgently.

I was curious, wondering why she needed to see me so urgently?

Our friend and my former colleague had died that week. 😦

I was completely shocked, stunned and heartbroken. She is so young, only in her early thirties. I knew she had been sick, but I had no idea how bad her illness had been, and how long she had been in the hospital for. It was heartbreaking.

I numbly went back to my desk and felt terrible.

I stumbled through work that day, talking with our mutual friends and colleagues. I felt like I was sleepwalking, that this wasn’t happening to her. When I came home, I cried.

I also learned that Oats was lame again, literally three days before I was also supposed to be flying to visit family in Kelowna. WTF.

I collapsed, basically. I didn’t know what to do and it felt like my entire being, not just my brain, was collapsing inward on itself like a dying star.

My dear friend who is a total sweetheart came by and gave me some of her delicious toffee-bark and chocolates (she is the best!!) and she could tell that I was having a terrible time of it. I was.

So there I was, a few days before Christmas and my world imploded.

More chaos part 2?

Went a touch radio silent due to a lot of different factors all colliding at once, unfortunately:

Man, bring me back to this!

Major stress at work/burnout

Bad flareup of my chronic disease, ruinining an entire week of my life again

Oats went lame and I had a total meltdown over it

Gidget had a really bad flare up of her reverse sneezing and went into dog-shock for a few days. It was really hard to see 😦

So yeah…It was a very challenging period of weeks for me, Oats and the family.

Some bright sides: Oats lameness was temporary! He had a small abscess (in the same spot as his 2018 big abscess that summer) and now he is good to go. We even had a working equitation lesson on Sunday and he was a champ though I definitely felt quite rusty.

Work is ok for now and I am counting down the days until I am off on holidays!

My disease is back in remission until the next flare-up, and Gidget has a vet appointment today to figure out our next plan of attack. I don’t really expect that they will have any answers but…We made it over 3 weeks ago when we desperately needed it, so I still am hoping for some kind of solution or treatment for her symptoms.

I guess even through the blackest days, there is still hope?!

Also a bummer, but one I really knew was going to happen: My jump trainer who I have been with for over a decade (?!!) is not travelling to coach us anymore. I totally get it, no issue from me but it’s also a bit sad to see the end of an era.

I’ve reassessed mine and Oats relationships after his serious injury and jumping for competitions just doesn’t seem that worth it anymore? We’ve shown for so many years and it’s not always about ‘higher/faster/stronger’ for me– it’s about enjoying the journey and our relationship these days. I still love horse showing, but it’s not all what it’s cracked up to be, you know?

Kismet Kill

Ugh, so on Friday I wrote about getting stuck in a big traffic jam due to accidents on the highway? Well, apparently last week was Groundhog Day, because the EXACT SAME THING happened on Friday also. Just as I was walking home, to get dressed and go to the stables for my riding lessons. Thankfully my friend got caught in it, and immediately called me to tell me to cancel my ride and not bother heading out- it was THAT bad.

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You are never so good that you don’t need to practice. 

For what seemed like a minor incident (all persons were fine, car went off the road into a ditch), traffic was at a totally-jammed up standstill until around 7pm. SEVEN?! Ugh.  No way. Not after literally getting stuck for 2 hours the exact day before…And I knew my trainer was not going to wait around another hour ++ for me to get there, get tacked up, warm up Oats and then ride. Nobody has time for that!

So I texted and cancelled, steaming mad at this happening for two freaking days in a row…And sat around home and watched TV. Which is fine, but like… What GIVES? Last week it was the bad weather/snowstorms, this past week it was major traffic jams two days in a row. Cut me some slack, world!

Plus I took my parents out for a lovely good bye lunch on Thursday, had a nice time, and then get this emotionally-hostage taking email from my dad, on Monday of course. Seems that if you give him too much time to think, he writes these insane 15 paragraph emails about how he wishes the lunch didn’t feel so sterile, that I treat them like strangers (no shit!!!), and that it felt like a going away lunch you have with coworkers. Jesus god, give me strength.

Anyways, rant over. I am resolutely NOT buying into this drama-rama that they alwayyyys pull with me.

They absolutely exhaust me.

Anyways, I didn’t ride on Saturday because Oaty’s leasor had a make up lesson and boy did that feel weird! I was all out of sorts and anxious because of the lesson I cancelled on Fri due to the traffic jam, and no riding until Sunday? But I miss him!! Instead I cleaned the deck, and took Gidget to play with sticks on the beach, where we saw a ton of cop cars…There was a wolf in James Bay!! In the afternoon where I was! Crazy eh?

I then finally got to ride my dear Oats on Sunday after my race and we did our ‘homework’ rides (jump xpoles until the cows come home..) and he was a superstar!! I noticed I am becoming too ‘rigid’ with my arms, so I wanted to make sure I made time to practice my homework again. You can never work on it too much, I think. Plus the weather was fabulous this weekend- lucky us!!

Merry Holidays~

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Our gingerbread train! Sweet eh?

From me, while I am back at work! Boo! But don’t feel too bad for me, I certainly enjoyed a big chunk of time off. I got to sleep in!! (yes!), go running! (and hurt my knee again!), lots of riding lessons- good and bad, and eat a ton of good food, drink some great wine, cider and tequila, and spend time with family.

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Merry Christmas from the critters! 

I am a bit sad that Xmas – and let’s face it, my time off- is over, but I did make the most of my time off and got in a lot of fun activities, so I can’t get too bummed now, can I? I think Oats prefers when I am at work, because then he gets days off too! Hahah.

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Gidget looking polite, even though she had a meltdown too. 

My jump lessons were both ok and not great- like, not terrible, he was still a good boy, but I felt a little jumbled and all over the place. My first lesson in my time off was NOT great- it was a dramatic windstorm complete with pouring rain. Honestly it felt like a tornado! Oats lost his ever-loving mind. He was bolting, trembling and freaking the eff out. Strange for him…. The vibes were clearly not to his favour. I 100% was sure I didn’t want to have a lesson, get on my horse who is having a panic attack and jump, but by the end of my lesson guess what I was doing? Jumping a small course of smaller fences! Hah! Never say never I guess? We still couldn’t get near the side of the arena that he was afraid of though…

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My sister in law got this for me- isn’t it adorable?

And for my dressage lesson the next day, he was perfect! Go figure eh?

Christmas was good, lots of family time (which is good and bad…), and we did some family activities, and made a gingerbread train too! Both Gidget and my husband had meltdowns though, ahhh. I managed to really rack up my knee running, how I did it is anyone’s guess but I had this really sharp and intense pain under my knee cap. I managed to limp home, and now over a week later I have trouble going down the stairs. FML. AGAIN!

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My friend from Ottawa sent this to me- it’s a chocolate postcard! So cool eh??

I had another jump lesson on Boxing Day, and it was ok- but I couldn’t like, get my knee to stop pinching….And our straightness was an issue too, unfortunately. I had a dressage lesson the next day and it was definitely not quite as lovely as our lesson the week previous. Why is it that when I have a FABULOUS lesson, the one immediately after it, the one were I am actually expecting to be great, sucks?? Riddle me this!

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We played a game with balloons- these were the balloons I bought. Funny eh?

Oh well! I did my trot fence practice yesterday too, and while the arena was bizarrely busy (5 horses on a Sunday? WTF??) It went really well! Good Oaty! Bareback ride tonight, he gets tomorrow off because I have NYE plans, and then lesson on Thursday again like normal. I guess returning to the routine has it’s benefits.

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My secret Santa NAILED IT! This weighed about 10lbs, and was so good I almost died eating it! 

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Some of the amazing gifts I received this year! 

 

This week

I haven’t particularly felt like blogging much…I think it’s a combination of a few significant stressors like my friend’s devastating news, my car being a total jackass and having to pay to get it fixed so it was safe to drive, and a freaking crapload at work= making me feel harassed, overwhelmed and just OVER it.

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Apparently Sleeping Beauty snores too! Photo courtesy of Nicole Gibby.

Maybe the weather?

Anyways, my husband said yesterday it was very easy to feel annoyed and overwhelmed and over it…But to remember the things that are going right even if your brain likes to dwell on things it hates. Funny eh?

Things that are going well:

My health, family health, animal health.

My running- I am totally GETTING IT this year and woo!! so good!

Oats- He was a total rockstar for my friend in her lesson on Saturday (confidence-giving even!) and he has been fun to ride for years now. Good pony.

I have a job

So these are all things that are going well right now, I must remember to count my blessings while grouching and grumbling. Funny how it only takes 2 days to feel really crabby…

I didn’t have a lesson on Oats on Tuesday because I need to stick to my 2/month schedule (aka it’s too much $$ and I had to pay for my car repair bill on Wed. too..gag). But, I did some hard work with him, and I think it paid off!

Monday- the holiday- he did get quite the workout too, and I was super happy with how he was coming along…I can’t really even remember what we did (it’s been kind of a stressful week), but I recall it was strenuous and good.

He had Wednesday off and it was snooze-time for Oats then. Jump lesson tonight.