When your life feels like a loss

Happy 11th anniversary to my husband, and 10th anniversary to my horse Mr. Oats!

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11 years ago, we had summers! 

I truly wish we could just fast-forward this year. 2020 has just been one long chain of sucking. It started with a little trickle (for example, I was weirdly put out by the MEC races cancelling…and then boom! No more races at all, for the foreseeable future). How little I knew then, eh? How much I know now, sadly. 😦

I am very fortunate that Oats’ sudden lameness can be traced to an old existing abscess that lurked under the surface of his left hoof for months, apparently? All those really random, minor lamenesses he had a few months ago can be traced directly to it! Weird eh? But PHEW that is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

So, he gets treated with his poultice, Bute and a boot until *something* happens this time! I am super relieved.

Otherwise, we don’t get summer here anymore, so it’s been absolutely freezing, rainy, windy, grey and just miserable. Yay…

I can’t muster up any real cheer or celebration, just mostly low lying, existing dread for what comes next. This is probably what situation depression feels like?

Whose name made you drink enough to forget your own?

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Ten years! wow time flies. 

We celebrated our TENTH year anniversary yesterday! I can hardly believe it still. It seems like yesterday I was 23, and getting married. It was a really hot day, just gorgeous. It makes me feel a bit sad to think about that, because it also feels like it hasn’t been that hot ever since, and I miss the summers, like how they used to be.

where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”

A lovely Warsan Shire quote.

We had a good run club day, and a fabulous dinner by my husband! So thoughtful and awesome. I feel like I’m not worthy sometimes! We were pretty young when we got married, and even to this day I feel conflicted, of two minds about marriage. On one hand, I hate it. It’s a silly tradition, designed to make people ‘property’ of each other. When I got married, I couldn’t care less (and DIDN’T!) about the stupid fripperies of weddings. Cake? sure. Dress? NOT WHITE please and thank you. Bridesmaids? No. Wedding showers? NO. Flowers? I’m allergic… So yeah, you get the idea. Me + weddings = bad idea.

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This doesn’t even feel that long ago. It was a gorgeous day. 

Still, I had one (a wedding I mean, not a bad idea. I still have lots of those). It was fine, and I had a great time with my family, friends, on a day that felt like it was tailor-made for me. It was also incredibly stressful, dumb, and a waste of time and money. I would  NEVER get married again with a wedding. Thanks but no thanks. I felt annoyed that we had to get married to be legitimized in the view of our laws, society and my family and still feel annoyed by that. So, that’s still a thing.

I never took my husband’s name, and I’m proud and glad I didn’t. It honestly never occurred to me that I should? (?? or to him that I should also, which is even more important). I am owned by nobody, and I also don’t own him.

It’s a good day, and more importantly, one I mark by also reminiscing that it is the anniversary of me buying my other love of my life, Mr. Oats!

Without my wedding, our disastrous one-year anniversary ‘surprise’, I wouldn’t have had him in my life either, and I guess the subsequent challenges, heartbreak, drama, happiness, joy, or pleasure either. Life is more than black and white, to me, a very black-and-white thinker. Oh and if you aren’t sure if your wife is claustrophobic, don’t go ahead and book a 6-hour cave exploring adventure, just to be sure. It’s a bad idea. Go for a spa trip or something nice!!! For the love of god or else she will buy a horse that day. Immediately. 😉

I am definitely not a great wife, but in the words of Walt Whitman, “I am as bad as the worst, but thank god, I am as good as the best.”