Destroyer

Had a very quiet weekend, did a little riding, a little running (one day almost pain free, the other day quite painful, but hey, I’ll take it!). And cue the ominous music…family drama rears it’s ugly head again.

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Photo courtesy of MEC Victoria- in pain, but still going! 

Damn, and here I thought I’d gotten out unscathed. I did have a dear friend help me out today, when I was kind of spiraling. What a lovey person!

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Winner’s circle- 5k second place, with a friend in third place! 

Oh well, push all you want- you’ll push me away for good.

An interesting quote to sum up how I am feeling:

The more dysfunctional, the more some family members seek to control the behavior of others.    

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Christmas aftermath

Man, so many things. Good and bad. I enjoyed my time off, considering I was in a spectacularly grouchy/depressed mood, I was in a WAY better mind frame to celebrate.

We went to Ucluelet for a few days to decompress before the family madness began, and then celebrated Christmas Eve at my husband’s parents farm, which was nice. We then had Christmas breakfast and then Christmas dinner at MY parents, which was also good. My gifts were lovely, my husband got me everything I wanted and I really loved the cool and unique gifts my sister, parents and stable friends gave me. WOW so generous!

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Yes I am wearing a grumpy cat Xmas sweater! Featuring new boots for Oats, love them so much.

I also did some Boxing Day shopping and bought myself another pair of running shoes (I know I know, I have like 10 pairs now..eek) and some cool funky clothes (I also have too many of those, haha).

I ate too much, went to two parties in one night, drank too much (again) and ran a lot and also rode Oats five days in a row, gave him three days off, and now tonight will be day 4 in a row he gets ridden! That pony gets a lotta love, gotta say it, haha. He also enjoyed a home-made cookie from one of the girls are the barn and he gobbled it up in RECORD time.

No Xmas is complete without some holiday drama, and it led me to realize my new year’s resolution is to not whitewash what I want out of life. Not whitewash WHO I am anymore.

I will finish with this- as I go into the new year, I’m planning on setting the slate clean with a few people (my parents). I want to go into a fresh year unencumbered by people’s expectations of me.

I have a dog, horse, rabbit and husband because I love and cherish all of them, and they all add value and joy to my life. I would never presume anyone needed any of those items or animals to make their lives whole. This is my experience.

Please do not assume I need children to make my life whole. That is your experience. I do not need convincing, judgement, argument or debate to ‘make me change my mind’. I don’t think everyone needs a dog, horse or husband to fully experience life–why do people think that about kids? Just stop.

In 2017, I am going to be clear about what I want with the people I love and am closest to. If that means they are upset with me, so be it. I am going to focus on what is most important to me, and maintain my priorities and my sense of self the only way I know how- with resolve and resolution.

So, I guess that’s my NYE resolution right there. I also really want to start planning my next exciting big trip and can’t figure out where I want to go/do next. Africa maybe??

Living a double life & Mr Oats updates

I just saw the movie ‘The Double’ which was bizarre (yes Terry Gilliam bizarre, definitely shades of Brazil in there), and it kind of reminded me about how this week I feel like I have been living with two of me.

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The ‘normal’ me?

Gets up like a normal person, goes to work, works out at lunch, comes home, walks the dog, gets dressed for riding, has a good ride on Oats, comes home, hangs out with husband, relaxes and reads before bed. The normal me looks forward to weekends, and is seriously considering a surf trip to Tofino next weekend. The normal me also enjoys running, and is running a race this weekend for fun. Good, right? The normal me enjoys downtime and watches more shows than just chain-watching ’30 Rock’.

The ‘other’ me

Gets mad at husband when he doesn’t wake me up on time. Dreads reading emails, for fear of getting another frighteningly sad or crazy one from mom. Doesn’t always answer the phone, because it might be another awkward, sad conversation that I’m not always willing to have. Cries at the gym at lunch. Is sad and moody with coworkers. Tells too many people at the stables about how her family is falling apart. Snaps easily at husband for no real reason (Me: WHY did you dump my cold water from my water bottle??! I wanted to drink that!! Him: Well, I can just pour you some water from the fridge into your water bottle. Me: NO it’s not the same.) Chain-watches ’30 Rock’ because anything else feels too sad and heavy.

Man, it’s not easy, this emotional stuff?!

Jump Oats!

Jump Oats!

The good news (if there is a good side to this) is that SOME things at work that make me laugh, (garbage pail kids, anyone?) that my riding lessons on Oats have been on the whole VERY good – my jumping last night felt great, we were going so smoothly, straight, and with a fabulous rhythm! Yeah for jumping tiny weeny jumps, but I’m quite happy with how easy it is starting to feel. I don’t feel as panicked and concerned, and I’m flowing nicely. Even got to make up my own course and it was great!

So…ups and downs. Everyone goes through this, I guess. I’m just going to try to keep the crabby on a leash or under a lid for as long as I can.

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Don’t you know what regret looks like?

Don't you know what regret looks like?

Actually, despite my weirdly gloomy title, things are fine with Oats, and well, with life too!

I did feel a bit sad about the memorial I attended this weekend. It’s just hard. And I think it will continue to be hard for some time.

It made me thing, while I was furious at Oats for being a psycho at the show, does it really matter? I am lucky enough to ride my pony when I want, in good health both he and I. Occasionally we get to horse show! And when it goes well, that’s even more lucky! How great is that!?

So why do I constantly want more, get pissed off when it goes sideways, get so nervous my hands shake? Oh, that’s the million-dollar question.

But after the memorial, life is too short to get gloomy and down on myself for something I actually ENJOY doing. It’s tough, gritty and takes my breath away (when I end up holding it for an entire jumping round!!) but there’s nothing I can compare it to.

So, bad day at the show? Well, there’s always another chance. If you’re lucky enough to own a horse, you’re lucky enough.

Rode Oats for a bit in the outdoor yesterday and he was good as gold, I was VERY careful to not push him too hard- just a little bit of canter, trot one jump (that he cantered) and a bit of transition/trot work. He was so good!

Lessons this week- might do two!