Discipline

To my extreme frustration, my leg is totally fucked. Like…I can tell the delamination has started and that was something I SO wanted to avoid. I started having trouble walking this week 😦 and it hurts going up the stairs, going down the stairs, and riding. YAY.

All that shockwave and strengthening exercises? Five WEEKS of them? Did shit all.

So I’m headed back down the road to having 6 months off. Yay me.

On that note, I’m stopping any attempt at running for a week, no more walk-jogs, nothing. If I can’t walk anymore, it’s gotten so much worse than how it started. 😦 Funny I have to have the discipline to NOT do anything???

Eulogy for you and me

I stopped writing this blog on Aug. 13. That was when Oats was diagnosed with a tear in his mesotendon, the membrane that covers the medial tendon near the DDFT. I just had this 3-month check up yesterday, and how has it progressed?

All we can do is walk.

Good and bad. He does not need surgery, as it didn’t break loose. It, however, is HUGE. So…That’s not great. Any bad movement and it will snap ‘like a rubber band…’ according to my vet. So, yeah. I didn’t even ask about long term prognosis, it didn’t seem worth it.

No turnout- ever again. 😦

I can start trot rehab with him, for the next 2-3 months (what the vet calls actually rehab. My other work with him, every single goddamned day, was merely recovery. Hah.) Shoot me.

Goodbye forever jumping

Oats at least has been the ideal rehab candidate. Not stupid in the arena, basically turned into a chubby, lazy slug. I can appreciate that greatly, given he had a few major freakouts over the past three, going on four, months. I will take lazy! He thinks he is retired now.

I will do the trot rehab, with my rehab partner who handles Fridays for me (a steal at $30/day!), and then we have another re-check before he will be allowed to canter. That takes us to 7 months of this effing journey. Yay.

I have been out at the barn every single day since Aug. 6 to help Oats with his recovery (except for Fridays starting mid-Sept, phew). It’s a lot. I have not felt happy, contented in months. I don’t have great sense of humour anymore. I cringe at the touch from another person. I just wish I could get out of it.

After this saga, I was saying I either want 3 horses, or no horses. How much pain are you willing to deal with? I don’t know anymore, but I guess a lot.

Skip to the good part

Wow, so…Last post I read myself I was not doing great. Trouble with Oats, my leg was just feeling horrible thanks to shockwave treatments, and I was struggling.

IMG_0995

Still here. Now with bonus both legs! fuuuck

And how are things now? In a way, better. But not that much better?

I went to horse camping (and it was awesome! Much-needed, and I am going to post about that separately, I have been travelling for work and crazy busy lately). I went straight from horse camping to a work deployment for 8 days in the Interior B.C., and got back last Tuesday, had Wednesday off to do laundry, ride Oats, get groceries and get settled, and then was immediately back to getting shockwave treatment on Thursday morning, and then to work.

69965805_10101143875332686_9079638529637613568_o.jpg

Hiking with a colleague after work up Marriage Mountain.

Fun fun eh?

Work has been busy, and the shockwave continues to be a pain. I injured my left leg during my deployment and now am enjoying the experience of having both legs laid up. Yay?!! Not gonna lie, I was pissed when it happened. WTF is going on? So, I am now having shockwave on both legs. It’s as much fun as you can figure. UGH. FML.

69244682_10101142544115456_9103317534743986176_o.jpg

How cool is this??

My deployment was really cool though. So many neat and unique experiences! LONNG days holy shit, 12 hour days easily. I was exhausted! And no real opportunities to workout, unless you give the shed the firefighters work out of more credit…Hahahah.

I even rode on a helicopter! It was so cool.

IMG_1067.jpg

The ‘gym’

The food was good, my per diem sucked so hard, I was hungry all of the time, and I worked with some truly fun, committed and driven folks. It was hot, I was in a strange environment (working in a trailer, hah), and our water had arsenic in it!

IMG_1050.jpg

They had a lovely winery.

It was a great way for me to ‘step away’ from the insane angst that I was feeling the prior weeks. I still vacillate greatly from ‘ok I can handle this’ and ‘i have a plan’ to ‘WHY AM I STILL FUCKING INJURED AND PAYING A SHIT TON OF MONEY TO BE INJURED’…every day. It’s frustrating, expensive, painful and on I can go on and on and on…

IMG_1068 (1).jpg

They grew heirloom tomatoes too! 

But being away really helped me to not bring that insane useless frustration I feel each day to my horse, Mr. Oats. He needs me to be a better person with him, not an angry or upset one. So I could come home and enjoy riding my horse again!  Yay! I felt like a wet noodle riding, but I had so much fun, and riding him feels like I am riding on a cloud…AH… That’s a great feeling 🙂 He takes care of me.

69232541_10101142096447586_3619950350062059520_o.jpg

It was so beautiful.

I would like one of everything, please.

e6r7lfnlxjz4p71kb0mo

Me with my horse- gimmie gimmie gimmie!

Rode yesterday, and I would like to say it was a good ride, but I have to be honest and say that my expectations of Oats led me down a bad rabbit hole for a bit. Weirdly, when I’m jumping it’s all ‘Wheeeee can you believe it! We jumped that jump! Whoop! Look at us go!’

And when I’m flatworking, it’s like, “Why are you leaning on my hands?” “Balance yourself, horse!,” “UGH can you get over his lousy transition? or “Stop balancing off me on your forehand and breaking into trot from the canter!!”

So yeah, my expectations tend to vary widely…and I want a lot more from Oats on the flat now.

This causes problems for me, because I know it causes me to not be fair to Oats. He is still trying. I do not need to drill, hammer home any points, or overwork one thing- like cantering in balance, or transitions.

I should be more generous with his attempts, and at letting it go when it doesn’t go well. Asking things of him the way I am right now? I’m not happy with myself!

Why can’t I have the same outlook for dressage/flatwork that I do for jumping? Whee!! Yay!! Look at us!!

Sweat was dripping down my face, yesterday was hot hot hot and I was kind of irritated with Oats. I felt tired, felt like I was doing more work than I should be–and that he should step up to the plate. In reality, I probably should have taken a big step back and recognized that I was tired and the unseasonable heat was affecting the both of us.

But, we did end on a very pleasing note- some light leg yielding with his head to the wall, and wouldn’t you know it–he was super! I did it once each direction, and called it quits. His lateral work is starting to really come along, in ways I didn’t know was possible a year or maybe 6 months ago.

So this is what progress looks like. It’s interesting- I wish I could be more content?

And the countdown is ON!

Yep, on my last day at work here before Christmas holidays….And I can’t complain about my last day. My whole week, sure, but today? Nope! Things are ok as of right now.

I had to go back and edit this- no, I’m STILL overworked, and feeling swamped, done, tired and stressed. WHEN WILL THIS EFFING WEEK BE OVER>? I ask you….

Buster shares a moment

Buster shares a moment

Other than not being able to control my ‘must eat all the Christmas treats’ desire, things are fine. It looks like my Buster Bunny is on the mend, though stubbornly refusing to eat his rabbit pellets in another hunger strike…I got him some hay to play with, so maybe that distracts him into actually eating his normal food again…

Had a fun jump lesson last night, and you know what? We tried some interesting things and I quite enjoyed being ‘challenged’ in that way. We tried wide-hands jumping, wide-hands jumping over a tiny grid, wide-hands AND phyllis ‘carriage rein’ hands over the grid, one-handed grid-jumping – we almost smoked the standards though, yiiipes! And then we wrapped up with phyllis rein wide-oxer grid.

A good day!

I’m really liking trying new things jumping. It’s cool, neat and keeps Oats and I engaged. It was also nice to see my trainer again, I know she is grieving and going through a difficult time, so I was glad to see how well she is holding it together right now. One foot in front of the other, at this point.

We have the barn Christmas party tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it- my husband promised to help me make meatballs to bring (while I am a good baker, I am a terrible cook). I also have to arrange my secret santa gift, no guesses on who it is but it is someone special to me and my horse! 🙂

Looking forward to taking some time to uwind, relax with family, and enjoy the holidays with my horse, husband, dog and rabbit–the little troublemakers.

Also, my colleague gave me a Christmas card at work today and it was so nice and thoughtful. She is one of the most heartfelt people I know, and I think the world is a better place with her in it.

Also a shout-out to my husband, who handled my stressful week really well and helped me clean Buster’s gross butt last night, and even brought lentil tacos and beer on Wednesday when things were particularly rough! You’re the best!

Feels like I only move backwards

Inspired by Tame Impala’s latest…

I read over my ranting about the dressage show the other day, and yeah, sometimes it DOES feel like I only move backwards. Like, the progress I make is in the opposite direction?

But then I shake my head and think, that isn’t right! I have had an excellent winter with Oats, learning new things, perfecting some things, and like, REALLY enjoying his canter. I want to canter everywhere! So why this angst in the dressage ring?

My sister says I’m probably just rusty. And that is probably it.

Rode yesterday (still have a head cold and feel lousy…) and Oats was good but I wasn’t so good. Hah. It was one of those days where popping over some crossrails is a fun idea, until you realize you can’t get a good approach OR distance to save your freaking life! Even in the trot!? WTF?

Long- no, short- no, wait, long. Quick, jump up his neck! Oops chip! 

Crap! Yep, I think my balance was definitely off, and couldn’t get it together at all. Haha poor Oats. Yeah, I felt lousy haha.

I’m taking today off from the barn (to go to the Zolas show!!! yeah!!).

Riding Thursday and then Oats and I get the weekend off as I am heading up-island for some much-needed R&R. Did I mention how I have a head cold and feel miserable? Yeah, I need a long weekend. Thank you Easter!!