The good, the bad, the terrifying

Had my dressage semi-private lesson last night, as per usual, and I was kind of riding on a high from my one last week–it was so cool and Oats was being great, and just..ahhh…

fancy dressage Oats

And was last night the same floating-on-air feeling?

Well, not quite. But not in the ways you’re thinking- Oats was a little snippier about following direction, in his usual ways: wanting to pull down/yank the reins, hopping and anticipating, having a bit of ‘energy’ when I was asking for a good contact trot and he was trying to strike off in canter…

That’s all fine and good, not a problem. But the anticipating was kiiiind of wigging me out. We sorted it out fine enough and I was pleased with his attempt to try.

So what went so wrong in the lesson? At first, nothing~

We got a pretty reasonable haunches in, and then haunches out, for Oats. I mean, he was still trying to go horizontal, and then too vertical, but hey, he is TRYING! YAY!

We then worked on some deep bend, and then deep contact, and leg yielding at the walk, then trot- going back to walk when he got fussy about contact. He did get pretty fussy, and a bit hoppy. This made me anxious, and I kind of started reverting back to my ancient fears…

And then…

My riding partner was having a heck of a time with her mare. Things just didn’t seem to be going well, and they stayed on a circle to work while Oats and I were doing the leg-yields, etc. Oats and I were at one end of the ring, when her horse, Chanel REARED STRAIGHT UP!

It was horrifying.

She jumped off the back of the horse and kind of landed on her butt/back. She was ok. The horse just stood there.

I was just in shock.

That is probably the most dangerous thing I have ever seen- other than when Jim lost his shit and galloped/bolted and bucked super high.

I immediately wanted to get off, to not ride, and to scrape that image off my retinas, where they were permanently seared- to say nothing of what kind of fantastical disaster-scenarios have been running in my brain lately!

They got back on, and the rest of their lesson was conducted with a longe whip in Karen’s hand- appropriately so.

My lesson also continued, and it was very non-dramatic. We worked up to canter transitions from our leg yields with less hissy fits from Oats, and then got a fairly nice, forward on-the-contact trot to end. It was nice, and he was a good partner.

So, alls well that ends well, right?

Well, for me- I am having problems letting these incidents go in my head. When I ride, I replay potential disaster scenarios- I can barely manage to stop from envisioning them! When I run through my jump sessions, I am VERY careful to make sure they are good, nice scenarios. But when I’m actually riding, other things creep in…

Because lately it seems to me like there are a lot of accidents:

• My mom breaking her arm on Oats- a freak thing
• Older lady at the barn falling off a horse she probably shouldn’t have been on and breaking her collarbone and rib- in Aug.
• Nov- same older lady then falls off her horse and lands on her feet, and breaks her leg so severely it will be next year-this time- before she can do anything!
• A young mother get seriously injured on a hack with her horse this summer- and she’s been on the news a lot lately, in an sad insurance fight. I tangentially know her.
• Nicole got bucked off last week and broke a rib and got a concussion
• And now, Chanel rears so high it looks like she could have flipped over in my lesson last night.

Just, these things are starting to add up in my head, and NOT in a good way. In a very anxiety- making way…

Movie review: American Ultra

Woah…

After watching an advance screening of this flick, all I can say is that I did not expect Jesse Eisenberg to be in quite the hardcore ‘shoot ’em up’ movie, that was also a comedy?

Don’t be fooled- he’s still funny and the film has some very hilarious moments- also poignant ones- but the action/adventure is heavy at times, and the violence is of the super close up camera angles with blood splattering style. Which I am personally not opposed to, but I was just surprised at the over-the-top gun fights!?

I did find it interesting that Eisenberg’s character Mike suffers from phobias and panic attacks that leave him unable to get on an airplane, or drive beyond the city limits, and this is all due to government-implanted thoughts in his brain (so, brainwashing). It made me wonder that if it kind of washes out the real issues people have with those things, and real panic attacks/anxiety that people get, normal every day people who aren’t secret sleeper agents who have these phobias planted in their brains to protect them…They don’t get an ‘easy out’ quite like Mike did?

But anyways it’s a fun action flick, I kind of wanted to shake Mike when he started fizzing out at his ‘girlfriend’/handler when she tries to tell him the truth and he loses his shit. Why didn’t he want to hear the truth from someone who gave up everything to be with him?

That was a part of the movie I didn’t necessarily agree with, but it did play into his character’s latent paranoia.

If you liked Pineapple Express you’ll like this one- though I do think it is better! You have to be ready to watch some really splashy shoot-out scenes and unmitigated hand-to-hand fighting involving a frying pan, spoon, can of tomatoes and a bag of frozen hamburgers.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Tempest

I rode on Wednesday in the field, because I felt Oats deserved a chill-out ride after our rather intense lesson on Tuesday.

He was good, we had a very brief ‘battle of wills’ when he wanted to turn left and I wanted to go straight and had to turn him right. Yes, funny how that battle seems to surface and all he wants to do is go LEFT and I want to go RIGHT! He threatened a bit, but I stayed ‘chilly’ and just kept asking, quietly, calmly, asking.

He gave up pretty quick and we went down the field. Trotted, cantered, hopped over the cavalettis- singly at a trot, then trot into the line and canter out, then trot one and skip the other- just to mix it up a bit.

The weirdest part was my incredible anxiety.

Oats was being fine- I had no real probs, he was happy to keep going along, and my heart was in my throat, weirdly. I was so anxious, when I jumped him over the little cavalettis acid practically splashed up my throat- like heartburn!?

(Ok so maybe that part was eating too many sriracha-flavoured chips before heading out to the barn)

But still, what the heck? Am I in a slump? All I can see in my mind is an accident- screwing up, bad things happening, a black cloud hanging over my head all day.

I didn’t have my lesson last night- the indoor is being resurfaced and it got too dark to jump outside- so I didn’t go riding. I rescheduled for Saturday, and I will probably head out for a hack tonight.

But I just keep feeling jealous of the teens/kids at the barn who are seemingly effortless at jumping bigger jumps than me (I want that! For me!) and having great success at shows that I have pretty much made a career out of falling off at. WTF?

So, I am jealous. And anxious. And this is not a good combination. Are we capable of more? Am I holding myself back? (short answer: yes I am).

But how do I move past this? I love jumping and I want to do more, go higher, etc. But the other lizard-part of my brain tightens up even THINKING about it.

How do I move from thinking….to doing? And I have literally been struggling with this for yeaars. YEARS! Some days and some lessons, and some shows, are better. I have been in a slump for awhile though.

And here is a song that wraps up what I am feeling: Tempest by Lucius.

Sports Psychology with Dave Freeze

Took in a very interesting workshop last night at Greenhawk. Sports psychology with Dave Freeze!

Without further ado…I learned a great deal from him. Now to put it into practice! I have toyed with doing sports psychology on and off, mainly because I have a paralyzing fear of screwing up jumping and at horse shows. UGH.

There are two options to maintain that perfect ‘self’ we see when we think of ourselves:
Our image of ourselves=results. But what happens when the results don’t match up to our perfect image of us?
• Can you behave differently?
• How do you change your image?
• Don’t borrow from the list: disappointment/frustration/anger/doubt/fear/jealousy
• Things happen that will always happen: These are predictable results.
• Develop the skills to better your self-image, make you more confident as a person, OR you can broaden your self-image of ‘me’ as a person. I am a person who occasionally makes mistakes, but doesn’t let them ruin my day, or ruin my self-image.
• I am all-encompassing; I manage my mistakes well & am calm, grounded and centered. I handle myself.
• Don’t sell yourself out by over-promising or under-promising.
• Set yourself up to succeed.
Don’t focus on outcomes. If you use your indicators (transitions, impulsion, rhythm, fitness) and focus on your process attributes (calm, relaxed, focused, breathe, low tension, positive) the outcome will take care of itself.

ie- you didn’t blow your chance at first place if you get a refusal. Accept it, and move on. It’s in the past. You don’t need the past anymore.