Kismet Kill

Ugh, so on Friday I wrote about getting stuck in a big traffic jam due to accidents on the highway? Well, apparently last week was Groundhog Day, because the EXACT SAME THING happened on Friday also. Just as I was walking home, to get dressed and go to the stables for my riding lessons. Thankfully my friend got caught in it, and immediately called me to tell me to cancel my ride and not bother heading out- it was THAT bad.

You are never so good that you don’t need to practice. 

For what seemed like a minor incident (all persons were fine, car went off the road into a ditch), traffic was at a totally-jammed up standstill until around 7pm. SEVEN?! Ugh.  No way. Not after literally getting stuck for 2 hours the exact day before…And I knew my trainer was not going to wait around another hour ++ for me to get there, get tacked up, warm up Oats and then ride. Nobody has time for that!

So I texted and cancelled, steaming mad at this happening for two freaking days in a row…And sat around home and watched TV. Which is fine, but like… What GIVES? Last week it was the bad weather/snowstorms, this past week it was major traffic jams two days in a row. Cut me some slack, world!

Plus I took my parents out for a lovely good bye lunch on Thursday, had a nice time, and then get this emotionally-hostage taking email from my dad, on Monday of course. Seems that if you give him too much time to think, he writes these insane 15 paragraph emails about how he wishes the lunch didn’t feel so sterile, that I treat them like strangers (no shit!!!), and that it felt like a going away lunch you have with coworkers. Jesus god, give me strength.

Anyways, rant over. I am resolutely NOT buying into this drama-rama that they alwayyyys pull with me.

They absolutely exhaust me.

Anyways, I didn’t ride on Saturday because Oaty’s leasor had a make up lesson and boy did that feel weird! I was all out of sorts and anxious because of the lesson I cancelled on Fri due to the traffic jam, and no riding until Sunday? But I miss him!! Instead I cleaned the deck, and took Gidget to play with sticks on the beach, where we saw a ton of cop cars…There was a wolf in James Bay!! In the afternoon where I was! Crazy eh?

I then finally got to ride my dear Oats on Sunday after my race and we did our ‘homework’ rides (jump xpoles until the cows come home..) and he was a superstar!! I noticed I am becoming too ‘rigid’ with my arms, so I wanted to make sure I made time to practice my homework again. You can never work on it too much, I think. Plus the weather was fabulous this weekend- lucky us!!

Destroyer

Had a very quiet weekend, did a little riding, a little running (one day almost pain free, the other day quite painful, but hey, I’ll take it!). And cue the ominous music…family drama rears it’s ugly head again.

Photo courtesy of MEC Victoria- in pain, but still going! 

Damn, and here I thought I’d gotten out unscathed. I did have a dear friend help me out today, when I was kind of spiraling. What a lovey person!

Winner’s circle- 5k second place, with a friend in third place! 

Oh well, push all you want- you’ll push me away for good.

An interesting quote to sum up how I am feeling:

The more dysfunctional, the more some family members seek to control the behavior of others.    

What will we be

Jump lesson last night, and dinner out with longtime friends. A great evening! It was such a lovely night that I couldn’t fathom going anywhere but out in the field. Luckily my trainer was onboard, so she dragged out the cavalettis into the field and we had ourselves a nice little jump session!

How could you hate this cute face?

Marred only by one BIG spook where I swear I was going to eat it, Oats was really great! We schooled over the little cavalettis, and over the ditch too. Love that he was so calm and steady about doing stuff like that. And it doesn’t hurt that the jumps were teeny little cavalettis. Just my size, ha.

It was a gorgeous night to be out riding, and dinner with friends just capped off a lovely day. I had kind of a stressful afternoon, as I had agreed to join my family to pick blackberries and then make jam on Saturday, and when I got an email about the details, it ended with this phrase that instantly raised all of my hackles: ‘don’t bring your dog’

WTF

No. for one thing, my dog has a NAME. ‘Gidget’ is tiny, and if we’re going blackberry picking she is for sure going to be joining me. If there is a safety issue or something like, say a dinner party, then no she doesn’t come but give me an effing break. So, this is the stand they want to take now? After completely dismissing my sadness and grief after the death of my dear bunny Buster? They apparently now hate all my animals, who are my family.

Gidget likes taking part!

Forget it.

So I sent a response that basically said my dog is my partner and she goes where I go, so thank you and good day to you.

And the plus side is, now I don’t have to engage is awkward family dynamics, which I was NOT looking forward to (husband was going to come as an emotional buffer). It is too soon, and I need my space.

So, yeah…

A busy and tumultuous week & weekend

Feels nice to be outside!

This past week, and weekend, had many ups and downs.

Good: Oats went really nicely for my non-lesson ride on Thursday (trainer had a sick child) and I was quite pleased with his leg yielding.

We also had a GREAT weekend of riding, we were playing around in the outdoor ring both days, it was hot and sunny, I had no real expectations, and had a blast! We even saw the cutest bunny hopping across the path back up to the stables.

Bad: Family and husband drama rears it’s ugly head again. UGH. It made me very unhappy, and I had to go for a run with my husband to clear my head. Things are still unresolved, and I still have a lot of cognitive dissonance that I live with every day.

Good: Had the opportunity to go to the beach on Sunday and LOVED it!

Bad: Too many families with horrible screaming babies. The WORST! I ended up moving my beach blanket to a quieter area, and that made a huge difference.

Good: Tried the new s’mores Frappucchino from Starbucks. Delicious! A calorie bomb!

Bad: Tried the new Bacon Clamato Caesar in a can and did not really like it. Flavour is too strange and fakey. Also salty as all hell.

Good: Made no-bake chocolate-oatmeal cookies AND chocolate granola! Tasty!

Bad: I think someone was messing with MY Oats this weekend! The barn owner thought she saw me going in to his pen late at night, and his gate was left unlocked overnight. This was most definitely NOT me, as I rode at around 11am and left the stables before noon (had to get back  in time to check out an open house, the unit was exceedingly strange and made me feel like a hunched-over giant…).!!!! Someone was in with my horse? Or at least his gate?

Don’t mess with Mr. Oats!

Living a double life & Mr Oats updates

I just saw the movie ‘The Double’ which was bizarre (yes Terry Gilliam bizarre, definitely shades of Brazil in there), and it kind of reminded me about how this week I feel like I have been living with two of me.

The ‘normal’ me?

Gets up like a normal person, goes to work, works out at lunch, comes home, walks the dog, gets dressed for riding, has a good ride on Oats, comes home, hangs out with husband, relaxes and reads before bed. The normal me looks forward to weekends, and is seriously considering a surf trip to Tofino next weekend. The normal me also enjoys running, and is running a race this weekend for fun. Good, right? The normal me enjoys downtime and watches more shows than just chain-watching ’30 Rock’.

The ‘other’ me

Gets mad at husband when he doesn’t wake me up on time. Dreads reading emails, for fear of getting another frighteningly sad or crazy one from mom. Doesn’t always answer the phone, because it might be another awkward, sad conversation that I’m not always willing to have. Cries at the gym at lunch. Is sad and moody with coworkers. Tells too many people at the stables about how her family is falling apart. Snaps easily at husband for no real reason (Me: WHY did you dump my cold water from my water bottle??! I wanted to drink that!! Him: Well, I can just pour you some water from the fridge into your water bottle. Me: NO it’s not the same.) Chain-watches ’30 Rock’ because anything else feels too sad and heavy.

Man, it’s not easy, this emotional stuff?!

Jump Oats!

The good news (if there is a good side to this) is that SOME things at work that make me laugh, (garbage pail kids, anyone?) that my riding lessons on Oats have been on the whole VERY good – my jumping last night felt great, we were going so smoothly, straight, and with a fabulous rhythm! Yeah for jumping tiny weeny jumps, but I’m quite happy with how easy it is starting to feel. I don’t feel as panicked and concerned, and I’m flowing nicely. Even got to make up my own course and it was great!

So…ups and downs. Everyone goes through this, I guess. I’m just going to try to keep the crabby on a leash or under a lid for as long as I can.

Dressage under fire

Went to my dressage lesson with more than a little trepidation yesterday. Let’s review why, shall we?

So easy

• I am going through a lot of pressure with my parent drama.
• Oats doesn’t respond well to dressage on a good day.
• I was exhausted.
• I had taken a lot of time off doing dressage- a few weeks, due to holiday/illness/weather. The last lesson I had last week was a jumping one!
• I am an excuse machine?
• I was wearing new boots. Ouch!

Yeah, so. There’s that. I was luckily able to side-step my parental drama for a bit- by telling them I was unavailable, which was 100% true. On Tuesdays, I have enough time to get home, take my dog out, unpack my lunch things, grab a snack, get dressed and drive to my lesson, of which I am always late for.

But, I sucked it up and did it. Nothing makes me feel more genuine, more ‘myself’ than riding and challenging myself in lessons, even if I SOOO don’t want to do it beforehand. I’m always glad I did!

So, how did it go?

Well, like many things in life, not 100% great but not 100% bad. Oats fought back a bit, was a bit sassy, but slowly we are improving. We did some polework and the horses got pretty fired up and testy with each other. Funny, you can tell we hadn’t done a group lesson in awhile because it seemed like both Oats and Chanel wanted to chase each other!

Oats’ newest evasion is hopping into the canter when the trot gets too difficult. He did that A LOT. Man does it feel awkward!! We cantered through more than a few trot poles!

I do get tense and clingy when he does it, because sometimes it feels like the ‘hop’ is the first step into ‘launch into outerspace’ for me. It did NOT get that bad, he did try some bs behaviour (this is still Oats we are talking about…) but he tried. And tried and tried. That is what is important to me, that he TRIES at least. I do want to encourage his ‘tries’ and don’t want to shut him down when he gives me some more effort. It does tend to be a bit nerve-wracking though!

So, it was both good and bad. I left feeling more like myself again. That was a good thing.

I am also going to try out a supplement to give Oats some more positive energy. I feel like he needs a little ‘more’ this winter, perhaps due to his age (13? I think?) and to get him more ‘oomph’ and less balky and rude.

Why I’m not a New Years Resolutioner

So, I guess I’m going to continue feeling cranky and crabby. My parent drama really came to head yesterday, just before I was going to check out a new gym- Steve Nash Fitness– to test out their group fitness classes (that I had a free pass for, for a few months). Needless to say, the group fitness classes didn’t happen and will probably have to wait.

My New Years Resolution

I’m still not feeling great about it, but I am trying to be supportive. As it turns out, that is harder to do than I thought.

So, I have my dressage lesson tonight and quite frankly, still feel very brain-drained. Emotional turmoil is tiring. So tiring.

But anyways, when I was trying to plan my new workout class yesterday, and when I was at my work gym today for my usual 30-40 minute daily workout, I was struck again by the ‘born again New Years Resolutioners’.

You know the type…Typically flabby, middle-aged women but sometimes men, try-hards who are ‘going to get this year off to the right start!!!”

They sport all the gimmicks- FitBit, new running shoes (in neon, though I have neon shoes too haha), iPods gripped in their hands, all they do is talk about their new naturopath and their recommended holistic treatments, and spend all of their time lolling around on the mats or foam rollers instead of doing any solid workouts.

These are people I have NEVER seen at the gym before January 1. I have my regulars, hell, I am a regular, haha. I listened to one woman talk to another in the change room (sidenote: why do people take freaking forever to get changed, arranged, and IPodded up? Get in, get changed and GTFO!!!!!).

They were saying about how going to the gym was such a better idea than trying to run after work (agreed- I only run after work in spring/summer/fall, as it’s too dark and unsafe in the winter) and how they were all prepared this year!!! They had all the songs they wanted loaded on their iPods, they had bought new running shoes, they had the newest workout clothes….

I just wanted to say- I, sporting my non music, my cut-off gym pants, and ratty tank-top, enough with the STUFF and enough with the BS and get on a machine and GET GOING!

Enough with the talk and rolling around. Get up, get in and get out. Rinse and repeat. You have to do it every day (and for me, I’m talking years of the same routine) that it becomes a mindless exercise to get to the gym and get down to business. If I had to wait for a friend? I’d never freaking go. You know why? Because THEY would never go!

I mix up my workouts though– I do get really stuck in a rut sometimes (hence the trying out of new group fitness workouts I mentioned earlier) but it’s too important to just GO AND DO IT. Don’t wait for a new year, a Monday, a new you, a friend, anything.

You can’t rely on trinkets, gadgets, new clothes, other people, the weather, anything. You have to rely on you. That is the only thing I have literally learned, doing this. I am a lunchtime warrior, haha.

And I am no saint with this either. I am a dessert-with-lunch-and-dinner type of person. I workout too much sometimes for no reason. I don’t necessarily have any good goals – though this year I am proud to say I signed up for an Island Run series!! Yeah! I am trying to fix my knee problem, though that is very slow going.

People are literally excuse machines. I can be (about my riding/jumping/showing goals, because I am an anxiety-riddled huge chicken who has something to prove, apparently), but I am NOT about my workouts, or the amount and intensity of riding I do – which is tons, and quite intense.

Me this year

I’m doing it. And sometimes, that’s enough, because I do it every.single.day.