The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

mahpiohanzia

n. the disappointment of being unable to fly, unable to stretch out your arms and vault into the air, having finally shrugged off the ballast of your own weight and ignited the fuel tank of unfulfilled desires you’ve been storing up since before you were born.

I’m fascinated by this site, as a way to capture the inexpressible way I often feel.

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

It is amazing, the way the writer creates these words and definitions to fit things, situations and instances I often find myself.

In them, I’m reminded of a dream I had the other day- two dreams actually, but one was basically that I was being kidnapped, which I chalk up to watching too many X-files episodes on the weekend.

The other dream? Maybe it meant something. I dreamed I was jumping Oats in the indoor arena, over impossibly high fences- like huge, 5ft fences. We were approaching, and I felt nervous, but we were jumping them!

But when I looked back over my shoulder, those huge impossible fences were now somehow smaller? And they had shrunk back to the heights I’m more used to doing.

What an interesting dream. My husband thinks that in my dream, I was facing huge obstacles that blocked my path, that made me anxious. In soaring over them, I was able to overcome the obstacle. And when I looked back, the obstacles were not as big as I had originally thought they were…They were manageable.

Very intriguing.

Wanting what others have

I had a really lovely long weekend- riding, no pressures of showing, no getting up early, just enjoying some pony time with Oats and hanging out with the critters and husband.

We went up to watch some showjumping at the local SSITS show on Sunday, and that’s when I felt it…A slight twinge of jealousy.

Do I even want to show jump? Not really! But what I do want is to compete Oats at bigger venues (even if sometimes the atmosphere trends to the rude and snobby, but let’s not go there right now) and I want to do well! UGH. Summertime is always the time of why not more? Higher? Better? It can be an ugly time of my expectations- wants- desires vastly outstripping my ‘actual’s…ie- ability, time management, money management, Oats behavioural skills, show nerves, anxiety.

I enjoyed watching the showjumping and went home, but can’t get the green-eyed monster of ‘what ifs’ out of my head.

So, I think my eventual goal is to try a hunter derby with Oats- and have fun with it! Do it at 2’3” if anything else scares me. Seek out that one fun class and try it out. Also, keep competing at the Appy shows until we’re bored at the 2’6” level, which is the highest they go to- it’s not a ‘real’ 2’6” as they are set a bit lower anyways. When I’m finished with those, I can re-calibrate my wants and desires, and see how they measure up to my real life.

This might mean bigger shows, but fewer of them. It might mean a switch to a different discipline at the same time, or keep doing a few different disciplines- dressage, baby jumpers, hunters/equitation.

I’m not in a rush, so why do I feel like I am every spring/summer/fall? Why can’t I be happy with what I have?