You must go on. I can’t go on. I’ll go on.

From Samuel Beckett’s The Unnameable.

How I feel about this year, in a nut-shell. Basically a list of things that were taken from me, from us and not much else. How do you keep going? You keep going.

I keep a running list of things I desperately want to do when this BS is all over. Horse camping, riding lessons with Oats, a horse show, running in a race again, flying to Argentina for the holiday we cancelled, seeing my friends for happy hours…

In the meantime, what do we do? I started a 30-day yoga journey, from ‘Yoga with Adriene’ which I am really enjoying. Otherwise, I quit drinking for January and was successful with that! I also run every day at lunch, and have been adding in some Fitness Blender workouts with my puny and pathetic 4lb weights, 5lbs weights and my lone 10lb weight. Hey, that’s all I’ve got!

I also enjoy eating a little too much, since I don’t have anything else to really do or enjoy these days. Little Cesars for the win! I also spend a lot of time watching TV, and hanging out with Gidget and Tucker and my husband.

Otherwise, this entire past year is a freaking washout. Goodbye forever, that piece of my life.

It’s a wonderful life

I abandoned the blog because things got too depressing, for a very long time. They still kind of are, but I figured I might jump back in for a few minor updates.

Very chilly Xmas eve morning when we did our rehab SO early!

Oats had his second ultrasound and the vet was not promising about his recovery. That hurt, a lot. But there were silver linings- he trotted sound, and we were grudgingly cleared to begin trot rehab. We are now entering month six of his injury, and week 8 of trot rehab. We got to trot AROUND A CORNER this week! Guys, this is big. Huge even.

It’s still depressing as hell, and every time I let myself feel hope, I regret it.

I am running, and my shoes hurt my arthrits bump on my foot, unfortunately. I have new great shoes courtesy of my husband for Xmas, and I’m looking forward to having that fix it!!

I’ve relied very heavily on my friends and husband as a support network this year, to make sure I don’t find the highest building and jump off of it. They have been so amazing and kind and generous- when I think about how much they have helped me, heard me out, it makes me want to cry! I am truly fortunate to have these kind and generous people in my life. More so than my so called family, anyways!!

Faith in our jump lessons!

And I am taking jump lessons again too! That makes Tuesdays (ok, today, haha) a very long marathon day but you know what? Screw it. You only live once, so LIVE IT FOR ONCE! The trainer is very reasonably priced so I can afford to do that while Oats is laid up and the owner is not charging me a lease fee so even better! The mare is green with mild navicular, so we are limited in height/technical capability, but I am still enjoying the feeling of ‘riding’ and ‘jumping’ after six month of…walking. It’s a soul killer.

So, that’s that. I don’t have a lot to be thankful for, and I mostly mark time to pass. Some days are even ok, or close to good? But they are not great, and I don’t know, during a pandemic that I have to work in, when great will happen ever again.

Help me

My life in a nutshell. Check out the artist exhibit at https://www.vancouverbiennale.com/artworks/vancouver-novel/

So, yeah.

Yesterday’s update was ok. Not good, not bad. Truth be told, I struggle every single day with this strange, ‘Groundhog Day’ life I live now. I basically complain every day that things never get better- only worse. That isn’t true, but darn it feels like it is.

So far this year/month/months/existence…

I had some time off this summer, long weekends and such- after working on 40 events in 2 weeks, it would be nice to have time off right? WRONG. We got seriously affected by bad air quality, thanks to forest fire smoke sweeping across our province. I sat inside and cried all weekend, most weekends. Time off was my enemy.

My mental health started crumbling. Pretty badly actually. I’m going to start taking anti-anxiety medication, to see if I can get through this period of my life.

I accidentally poisoned myself with Lobster mushrooms. Now that is a fun experience…It felt like my stomach was turning itself inside-out.

At the same time as my painful food poisoning, I had a SEVERE flare-up of endometriosis. So fun. Imagine your stomach in incredible pain, and then having excruciating cramps, bloating, back pain and crushing fatigue at the exact same time. I couldn’t eat, I was starving, and yet my abdomen was so bloated out I couldn’t do up my jeans. I have been on a treatment for this disease, but man, the flare-ups are killing me.

I got a cold, out of nowhere? How? I don’t even go anywhere?

I haven’t really felt that motivated to do anything that I normally enjoy. I run a lot, when I’m too sick or weak to do so. But I feel like a hollow shell of who I used to be, generally.

I got sick, from some bizarre reaction to wine of all things? I had a 7-day sinus headache, chills, body aches, and fatigue. I had to get a COVID19 test, because those were all symptoms, of course. It was negative, luckily! But the test itself also didn’t work that well- it jammed against my sinuses and they said they’d never had that happen before… Now it feels like I have a hole in my left sinus. WTF?

I was too weak from the cold, and then back-to-back disease flare-up and concurrent mushroom poisoning to do much working out, running, or anything. I basically worked, and then went to job # 2, Oats.

Oats then got diagnosed with cushings. A mild case, the vet was careful to tell me, but worth treating ASAP. So, I get to now spend more $$$$ than ever on a broken pony. He is on Previcox for arthritis, Prascend for cushings, I had to buy low-sugar hay, and now monthly vet visits for ultrasounds and check-ups. Yay.

I had to edit this to add that I broke off about half a tooth eating popcorn in Nov as well. Fortunately the dentist could save the rest of the tooth and patch it together with a big filling, but he warned me that if I break another chunk off (like the molar I broke off last year at the same time) I will need a crown and it’s the end of the line for that tooth. LOVE IT. EFF.

So, yeah. Lots to be thankful these days <<sarcasm alert>>

Eulogy for you and me

I stopped writing this blog on Aug. 13. That was when Oats was diagnosed with a tear in his mesotendon, the membrane that covers the medial tendon near the DDFT. I just had this 3-month check up yesterday, and how has it progressed?

All we can do is walk.

Good and bad. He does not need surgery, as it didn’t break loose. It, however, is HUGE. So…That’s not great. Any bad movement and it will snap ‘like a rubber band…’ according to my vet. So, yeah. I didn’t even ask about long term prognosis, it didn’t seem worth it.

No turnout- ever again. 😦

I can start trot rehab with him, for the next 2-3 months (what the vet calls actually rehab. My other work with him, every single goddamned day, was merely recovery. Hah.) Shoot me.

Goodbye forever jumping

Oats at least has been the ideal rehab candidate. Not stupid in the arena, basically turned into a chubby, lazy slug. I can appreciate that greatly, given he had a few major freakouts over the past three, going on four, months. I will take lazy! He thinks he is retired now.

I will do the trot rehab, with my rehab partner who handles Fridays for me (a steal at $30/day!), and then we have another re-check before he will be allowed to canter. That takes us to 7 months of this effing journey. Yay.

I have been out at the barn every single day since Aug. 6 to help Oats with his recovery (except for Fridays starting mid-Sept, phew). It’s a lot. I have not felt happy, contented in months. I don’t have great sense of humour anymore. I cringe at the touch from another person. I just wish I could get out of it.

After this saga, I was saying I either want 3 horses, or no horses. How much pain are you willing to deal with? I don’t know anymore, but I guess a lot.

What are you doing with your whole life? How about forever?

Oh man, this winter is just dragging for me. In excruciating detail: the wind is insane, it’s been unseasonably COLD for about six weeks now?! It’s dark. Work is insane. I miss my friend who moved away. My family is…a work in progress…shall we say?

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This is about the third time I have used this photo to illustrate how awful the wind has been. I was scared for my life!

Needless to say, I’m so over it. I have been struggling over the past oh six weeks or so with feelings of intense unhappiness. It isn’t really every day, but it’s been frequent enough to make me seriously wonder- why can’t I find joy in things I love? In the everyday? Is is seasonal affective disorder?

I have been taking vitamin D, and making sure to get outside, but still…It’s honestly super difficult.

Anyways, that whine preamble was to start my ride week in a nutshell:

Fell off Oats on Sunday after my race when he spooked lightly at something.

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At least Oats has his best horse friend to play with every day!

Tried riding Tuesday because I was too stiff and sore Monday to ride. There was a windstorm on Tuesday with wind gusting up to 90km/hr. It was TERRIFYING. Thank god I was on Oats,  who allows me to do the dumbest things with him. I wouldn’t trust any other horse. Still, I was scared out of my mind and ended up riding for 15 very tense minutes and I jumped off and thanked god I was still alive. NOT doing that again. Just terrifying, 100% alone in the pitch black with hurricane winds. Nope…

Wed: Actually a good jump lesson. I was in a bad mood all week, and so wasn’t expecting greatness or anything. I thought Oats was going to feel stiff but he was moving out quite nicely! We worked on a gymnastic- my nemesis- to a small course with a skinny on a circle, and another skinny on a straight approach. Oats was a very good boy, and I quite enjoyed my ride!

Today: Planning on riding. It is -5 and feels like -9. To give context, it’s usually around 8 deg Celsius and rainy here in the winter. I am so sick of it.