Love and appreciate Mr. Oats

Boldness comes from confidence and confidence comes from success.

Quote by Jack LeGeoff, a very famous showjumper. And I have to say…He’s right. I was musing on this verbally with my trainer last night. I have had long-standing anxiety/fear issues with jumping (even though I love it!!) and it’s taken me a long, long time to let my body and brain be okay with what I’m doing- jumping! Years and years at 2′ basically.

Screengrab my trainer took- Oats cantering 2’9” like a little pro! Can you believe we TROTTED this in our warm-up? Me either! 

In some aspects I look back and am like, man why did it take that long? But that’s basically the same emotion as finishing a solid personal-best style race and muttering, ‘Why couldn’t I have gone just a little bit faster?’ It doesn’t serve anyone.

What does serve is being appreciative and happy with the progress you/I have made. Taking it jump by jump, lesson by lesson, and day by day. I don’t really take it for granted (much…It’s still a human instinct apparently).

Anyways, my trainer announced she was going to have me do something yesterday that she knew I’d really hate- trot jumps. Ughhh!! Even better, we were going to play the ‘how high can you go’ with a trot jump?! I was like, oh this is going to be good… But I played along! Part of my anxiety in the past wouldn’t let me just try things, and I’m ready to try now.

Another, less fabulous screengrab- a fail on my part, a too-close distance for Oats over the oxer. We had to re-ride this (and it went fantastic!) 

So we trotted in! We started with a canter x-rail, and then moved it to a very small (under 2ft) vertical for the trot in. We did a few trot in, and up it went! And then up it went again and we went SPLAT for one jump- I kind of pushed and then pulled and couldn’t make up my mind to leave him alone to it, haha. And then to 2’6”! Wha? I got with the rhythm a bit better, and figured things out, and we called it quits…Until I said go to 2’9”- I know we can do it. And the first time, I got nervous and did the ‘Go-no wait, no canter, now go!’ And I did confuse the poor pony but he bobbled up to it and flew over! We had to do it again, and this time I TROTTED and didn’t get all nervous and grabby. 🙂 YAY Oats!

It felt like a ‘Oats/Jesus take the wheel!’ moment but it was excellent for the both of us. For me, to understand that jumping bigger fences and ‘waiting’ not rushing or driving at them is a-ok and totally fine. For Oats, he was pushing off his hind end more equally. Win-win! And a bonus- when we went to canter it for our second course, it felt pretty darn easy.

That’s not to say our courses were foot-perfect (hahah no) we got in way too close on our second round to the rocks and to the oxer, so we had to ride them again. But you know what? I just love and appreciate the ‘try’ my pony exhibited in the whole ride, his willingness, and the mind/mental freedom I had to give these new and scary things a go.

Moment by moment, I just really am feeling this little guy more and more now.

If you’re born on an island, the ocean heals you

Another jump lesson recap!! Oats and I warmed up really nicely last night, so nice in fact that I am wondering how I can capture that magic for our next jump lesson? He was soft, forward, responsive and very fluid. It was just lovely.

Last winter was very snowy.

I was feeling confident after that warm up, more confident than I usually feel about jumping! Lucky me because last night was the night to start being challenged with height a bit more (it was not a complex lesson, compared with the last few weeks of very technical coursework).

We did a trot-in one-stride gymnastic (x-rail to oxer) and by the end of the warm up over the gymnastic, the oxer was up to 2’6” with nary a peep from me! I did feel a bit anxious about it but you know what? It was riding fine.

We then made a small course of 6 jumps, incorporating the gymnastic into the course. That rode fine, so the jumps went up (another panel jump went to 2’6”) and we worked up to a course of 12 fences total. Oats was a tad surprised by the bigger fence and was like wait, woah and had to really lift his hooves to clear it. Good boy!

In the course we did the gymnastic twice and the 2’6” fence three times. That’s a lot for me, hahahah. The course rode quite well though, and I was very pleased with Oats making the effort.

I have been saying it’s time to be challenged and here I go- it’s time and I am ready!

My motivation is tomorrow: Lesson recap!

Another jump lesson last night, and Oats was moving really nicely. He was a bit sluggish at the start, and our left-lead canter warming up was…less than enthusiastic, but I chalked that up to him being a bit stiff in the warm-up and we kept it slow and easy until he felt a bit better.

Gidget doing her best ‘I am a poor orphaned puppy’ face…While hiding out in my laundry basket!!

Then we moved on to a small gymnastic, trot-in, one-stride to a vertical and two (VERY) short strides to a vertical. It was funny, my trainer is like, the first one is a short one but the two-stride? It should be riding better than it is, why do I have to keep moving it in??? Oh well, I guess that was what we were working with yesterday…A very short two-strides it is!

Oats was not in the mood to reach. At all.

Moving on up, with grids! (This is an old pic from last year, good to see how they don’t scare me as much anymore.)

We worked through the grid, focused on correcting Oats’ severe right drift (and I fixed it, yess) and me bringing my shoulders back without pulling back on the reins on landing- not quite as successful.

The grid went up to 2’6”? I guess? And then we added in a small course, starting with the grid, to a trot fence (ha, Oats was so confused), to a small oxer, to a vertical, and back to the trot fence with a halt on the diagonal.

We did kind of fumble the oxer, he seemed surprised and stuttered on the approach, so we re-approached and nailed it!!! The vertical was similarly clumsy…Ah, well. The trot fences went great, though Oats was surprised to be trotting, haha.

The grid was awesome too.

I only did the course once- a part of me really wanted to do it again, but the more chicken part of me didn’t. And that part kind of won out…Small battles, I will try again next week and I will persevere! As it is, I do feel that my confidence, though very slow and incremental, is growing. My jump lessons are doing tiny jumps- nothing higher than 2’6” in a grid- but they are very smooth, very good and not so rocky. So, I am calling that a win!

I’m not quite feeling that ‘heart pounding, dread’ feeling that I normally get while riding, and I am able to be much more proactive about my body while I jump (shoulders tall, using my crop!! correcting straightness and pace instead of feeling helpless, like a passenger).

Plus, I typically HATE gridwork, with a burning passion, and guess what? I am not hating it right now (this may change next week but I am on an upwards trend for now).

Go Oats!

 

Let me introduce my friends

Another stolen title from the Swedish supergroup I’m From Barcelona. I just love their titles!

Mr. Handsome.

I am overdue a bit for a jump lesson recap. And the recap? I am getting my wings back! Nicole had set up a very twisty-turny jump course that we did certainly struggle with, but I felt way better than I have for a month and a half- my slump time apparently. My confidence grew even though it did not go perfectly. My trust in my horse is coming back- not 100%- I don’t think I am built that way, but it is coming.

We worked a few single elements of the course as a warm-up, and then approached the 10-jump course. I learned that I need to GO STRONGLY!! instead of kind of wimping out. The ‘GO’ button is a big one and it really helps me.

Also I noticed I am way more comfortable being allowed to add and managing a short distance vs a long distance. Phew!

A snapshot of the course. We jumped allll of these and yes- it was very twisty!

It was really fun and I even wanted to do it a second time and strangely felt GOOD about doing it a second time. I even hit the gas so hard Nicole said I was riding it like a jump-off and I need to learn to moderate my pace a little better…not just GO! That is true, haha. It’s just that going fast felt so fun!

We bungled a few things but man, it was just..better. Much better.

I am seeing my setback in a few ways, and I am following a process to climb out of my trench. Here’s what is working:

• Don’t try to jump back directly to the height/complexity you were before the setback. That is discouraging.
• Take a lesson on another horse and jump that horse. It is so eye-opening and removes a lot of the emotional weirdness that you have with your horse and drama/issues jumping.
• Don’t jump your horse right away after this lesson. Let it marinate for a bit.
• Start jumping your horse again after and realize how much fun your horse is to jump. Make a series of mistakes where he saves you (ok, maybe don’t do this, but it kind of worked for me to see that he is still a solid citizen).
• Jump your horse starting with low jumps, and work on a crazy twisty-turny course. Get pumped up!
• Throughout all of this, continue taking dressage lessons, and every single ride- work on forward, and cantering over a pole to find your distance. Every ride.

So..Here I am, after six weeks of ‘weird’. Am I back on track? I hope so! Am I enjoying my ride? Yes. 100% yes.

Clawing my way back

So, to close out the long stream of pouty posts- I have a better (not great but better) update. I had a jump lesson last night, and while coursework is still a bit beyond my poor frazzled brain, Oats proved to me that he can be both a packer and a pony that saves my butt!

Want to feel bold again!

I do wish he didn’t have to, but honestly- coming off a string of falls jumping, a lesson where he stopped a lot, and a bad horse show-I just don’t have the confidence in me right now to ride the way I need to ride. I know that about myself. I will need to claw it back, and regain the lovely, forward confidence that I had as shortly as a month ago.

We worked in the outdoor and the rain held off- thank god too, because it had been rainy/drizzling while I was warming up but then surprise! It stopped! Oats was spooky, he eyes were on stalks, he was looking looking looking for anything to get silly about. In hindsight, it was an excellent opportunity to manage both my nerves and his ‘looky’ behaviour in a safe, controlled environment- a lesson. Bonus for the both of us!

So, we worked on gaining his attention and not in the way I would have been forced to if I was riding alone (through anger, adrenaline and other unpleasant ways). It was a give-and-take, a PAY attention! Ok good, soften hands. PAY ATTENTION! soften hands…

I remember when this felt high??

And it worked!

We then worked our way up to a canter-in gymnastic (which weirdly are becoming my favourite things, even though I have notoriously hated gymnastics, the canter-in ones are like, soooooo good for me).

We did that until my brain had enough- it gets easily ‘flooded’ right now with anxiety- and my trainer let me walk on a few successful ones ending in a small oxer. Oats was great!

We then worked over a teeny tiny outside line- five strides- and proceeded to bungle it SO bad. I just could NOT let go of my horse. I held held held…And chased and then held. Eeeek..

Oats, to his good nature and credit, still jumped it very gamely. He was 100% honest, I just couldn’t let go of his face. I still feel a bit bad about it. Nicole suggested I ride with one hand and surprise! I was able to ride through the line without bungling it tooooo badly. It was still not pretty and wow…Even though we got the 5-strides, I still grabbed on to his face for dear life over the second fence with my one hand gripping like grim death.

Interesting…

So to wrap up- my head game needs some work to ride boldly forward and let go of Oats’ face, but to give me some credit too- I took some hits and I can’t brush off how it had affected me.

 

You owe each other nothing

I said to my trainer yesterday that I felt so thankful that I was able to have a great cross-country experience with Oats. And it’s true- I was so grateful!

And in the same lesson yesterday, I also said I still felt backed off, anxious and this weird ‘I don’t know how to jump’ mind-blank when I go into a lesson, or are warming up for one, or are watching someone else have a jump lesson. It’s like my brain goes into a blank state where I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

And the thing is that it always passes.

And I DO know what I’m doing!

So why the brain- body disconnect? Damned if I know, but I do know it is mostly stress related, haha. And we worked with it, and I got over it. We cruised over a tiny cross-rail until it felt good (sneaky note here- it felt good every time actually). And then a small x-rail over the liverpool, and then the two x-rails to a small vertical. Over and over.

Then, a small line consisting of an oxer to the ‘road closed’ jump.

Pic from last year of the ‘road closed’ jump- yes my tongue is sticking out! Photo courtesy of Christi.

And that went flawlessly too (well, we jumped very nicely but wobbled through it BIGTIME the second time, because Oats somehow thought that since we skipped the second jump in the line the first time, that he should start doing that again on autopilot…) so we had to go around and do it again, straighter, haha.

And it felt perfect.

We then worked over a course, and yes it definitely wasn’t flawless like some of my warm-up lines, it was very good and very smooth. I did get left behind (twice?? oops!!) but Oats was meeting his strides well, even a bit too eager in the 5-stride outside line and we got in to the last jump too short! HA.

More pics from last year- the panel jump. Photo courtesy of Christi.

Oh and the ‘Oats on autopilot’ issue came back when he was locked onto a jump in a line we were doing…Except we were doing a broken line, not the regular line! I had to physically pull him away and focus on the jump to the left, not the jump directly in front of us, haha.

I always end feeling like yeah no problem man, and always start like I’m staring down at the fences at Spruce Meadows.

As always, a work in progress. But Oats was jumping very nicely and was a super game little ponykins for me. Good boy–and I appreciate his ‘can-do’ attitude! He was so chill.

No one is lost: Progress is a ever-changing target?

So I had my jumping lesson last night and I’m not going to lie. I was worried! I’ve been struggling with feelings of guilt, of fear and having this need to ‘prove something’ to myself. Newsflash: Proving something to yourself usually goes very poorly!

Yes, we even jumped this one without a second look!

I even had the opportunity to back out…My friends were visiting from Vancouver and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner last-minute, and my trainer texted asking if this week was the week I had to take off? Argh! The struggle! I was *this close* to having a legitimate reason to wimp out…

But I manned up, swallowed my fear and texted my friends back that I had a jumping lesson, and texted my coach that it was next week I had to take off.

There. One small step.

The next step was actually getting there, warming up on my own for 15 minutes in the outdoor full of -gulp- scary jumps and dealing with whatever happened.

And you know what? Oats was golden! He didn’t put a hoof wrong. I still felt wimpy, weak and lacking enthusiasm when Nicole came out for the lesson. I wanted to wimp out, I wanted to wallow in my feelings of inadequacy…Of fear.

But, Oats was too good to let me do that, and so was Nicole haha. We started slow- trot poles to a tiny gymnastic grid. We even had to put the last fence up to a vertical because Oats wasn’t really jumping them, he was kind of just flopping over them. That was ok.

Then, we moved on to a course and I started holding my breath…

But the jumps were small, I was actually RIDING Oats and things were just clicking nicely along! I didn’t have time to back off. My brain even kind of started drifting after the 8th fence and I kind of biffed the 9th (across the diagonal) but Oats is a forgiving pony and just kept trucking.

We did the course twice (11 jumps X 2!) 22 whole fences! And it was very good. We were not perfect, but like the scales of justice that tip one way or the other, my confidence scales are slowly tipping the other way- back to being in balance.

I have a hard time acknowledging that last week I was rocking a bigger course with the dreaded gymnastics up to 2’6” and this week am feeling faint over x-rails, but you know, who carresssss. Only me! Not Oats! Hahah. He was great, and I need more “great times” to build up my happy memory bank again.

Accidents, like what happened with my mom, deplete the happy memories in your memory bank, and confidence bank. Only good experiences (pretty much double the good to bad) can work to rebuild those banks.

Aftermath

A few days out from the accident, I’ve ridden four times. My first time, was rough and angry. The second time, I wisely pulled back and rode Oats in the indoor, to prevent any  nerves or defensive riding on my part- and it was boring! The third time was my lesson with Karen Brain, and I started off fairly determinedly ‘relaxed’ but still nervous, and the lesson was great- tough, but very thorough.

Not so relaxed

And the fourth time? A very decided mix of bad and good. Oats was a bit edgy. I let him stand and look at the ‘spooky’ areas and he didn’t relax at all like he did in the warm-up before my lesson. He just stood there, with his head on a freaking swivel, staring as hard as he could. He felt like he was ‘looking’ for a reason to spook. He never brought his head down, never even attempted to graze. Just stood stock-still with his head up high.

Throughout the ride, he did spook- many times. Luckily, none of them were biggies, and his spooks do tend to be no big deal anyways…Plus I was riding VERY defensively. Not a good point. I’m still not super pleased with how I deal with the ‘edgier’ days.

The canter was very good, it felt like the hard work we put in the day before in my lesson paid off! I was very pleased with him. The trot work kind of sucked (see head on a swivel…).

Anyways, the canter made me feel like I wanted to take him over jumps (a bad idea, since I was 100% alone) but trot made me feel like I wanted to jump off!

So, a combination of positive and negative, bad and good.

I’m taking today off, as I think Oats needs a day off too!

People who run are running from something

Sometimes.

This week has been challenging, but in a different way. Last week felt like full-on emotional crisis mode, with a lot of downs and sadness. I felt more like myself when I was doing things ‘for me’ like my riding lessons, hanging out with Oats, my husband (even though I got mad at him for no real reason sometimes) and running.

This week, my riding has been pretty good (not amazing, but when is life always amazing?) My lessons have been tough but fair, I am learning and dealing. My new boots are killing my feet, so I am taking those to cobbler today to make them less hellish to deal with.

Now I wish I could take my life to a cobbler, patch up the hole that I feel right now. It’s not the urgent-sadness of last week, it’s more of a resigned tear in myself, one that family usually fills when you’re not really thinking of them. It’s an absence?

But, I’m keeping on, and trying not to let it get to me. It’s weird- should I feel more sad? More mopey? Or better at just going ahead and living? I feel better when I do things for me, and get annoyed when it feels like people are just going on and on, ‘rehashing’ problems. Newsflash- while extremely tempting, reviewing the same problem doesn’t help you.

Anyways, Oats was good for my jump lesson yesterday, and I felt fairly relaxed. Something about keeping jumps low and non-confrontational is really doing wonders for my confidence! He was a bit slow and balky though, and that made my straightness really suffer. Wonder of wonders, when he was forward and better off my leg, we nailed every distance to every fence. HA!

So this weekend, I am running away a bit from my life, and going surfing in Tofino. A bit of a girls’ surf trip weekend, again.

I’m quite looking forward to it, even as a bit of an escape from reality. Work has been extra tough this week too, with two events next week back-to-back. Can’t I catch a bit of a break sometimes? Oh well!

Tofino and back again