Future me hates me

Ha, why do I overschedule myself! (sort of?!). Had a fairly busy horse weekend, with rescheduled lessons on Saturday with Faith, rehabbing Oats, and then a long run! Takes me well into 5pm, apparently. The lesson was…Kind of a big dud. We started off really nicely, with some of the nicest trot I think we have achieved together! And then, the wheels kind of fell off. She tripped big time at the canter when we were heading to canter poles, and then did 1 little bolt, and then started getting balky/stopping at the gate side of the arena- AGAIN.

Wish this was this year. Why can’t I ride better?

She hasn’t been that bad since our last daytime lesson (what IS IT with those??) so who knows wtf was going on in little horsey’s head on Saturday? A shame, because we had a genuinely lovely lesson the past Tuesday!

Oh well, something to work on. It’s interesting, riding someone else’s horse, because I never know what I’m going to get- and it’s kind of a day-by-day adventure, ha. Sometimes good, sometimes pretttty bad.

And Oats? The past week he was a moron to rehab. Afraid of the corners, almost got me off in a big spook on Thur night, wouldn’t go into the corner, running backwards, slamming on the brakes, being super dramatic. I think he’s definitely getting fitter and all that energy has nowhere to go… I had to cancel his Friday rider because I was a bit worried she might get scared off, or spooked off. Can’t have that! He was amazingly good on Fri/Sat, and then back to being a total butthead on Sunday. Go figure?? He also was in a big snit about his hay (ok, it’s honestly terrible low-sugar hay this time. SO coarse) and he was refusing to eat it, poor guy. I can’t have him eating barn hay though, so it’s a no win 😦 I get why he hates his new low sugar hay, and I am really hoping the next shipment isn’t so awful. ARGH.

I had a LOT of tension from my bad rides on Oats last week, bad lesson on Faith, bad ride on Oats, and it just felt like…Shit. What am I DOING messing around with these miserable animals????

So, I did a yoga video on Sunday night and yawned 100 times. Seriously, my eyes were watering, tears running down my face. Apparently I *was* holding tension, who knew??? Ha. It felt good though to let it allll go. Now, to remember that in my daily ride (wanted to write Battle) with Oats every night!! Be good you little jerk.

Ego-crushing

Man, I’m really on a roll this summer eh?

Not so much.

I’m feeling fried, burned out, pissed off, frustrated, oh any other acronyms you can add to say unhappy? I’m not even really sure where this came from…My life is generally fine, no real ‘anything’ to be unhappy about.

And yet- in a cascade of doubt- lately I’m feeling piled-upon.

First of all, the horse. I had a MASSIVELY EGO CRUSHING and difficult lesson yesterday. It was HARD. Emotionally hard, unpleasant, challenging and I was almost in tears before it because of the way Oats has been acting, and I was DEFINITELY in tears at the end of it. WHy why why why why….I just felt like he’s been challenging me in subtle ways for weeks now, and it definitely came to a head yesterday. And I can’t find my way out of it again (will I?). We got through it but man, it was so hard. Every time I thought I’d ‘won’ ie- gained his acceptance of coming through the right rein, BLAM! Nope! Fighting allllll over again. And repeat. And repeat. We did get it in the end, but I was soo fried.

This, comes hot off the heels of another board raise notice.

Kind of double-whammied me into thinking why the everloving hell am I bothering? I pay the equivalent of an effing second mortgage for this stupid horse, who, I am not even showing this year and DEFINITELY not enjoying riding at this point?

So what is the point?

Board, lessons twice a week, anxiety counseling once a week, grain, shoes ($$$!), extra training lessons for Oats with my friend, all add up to….?? THIS? I haven’t had a fun or good ride since my last jumping lesson. WTF?

Yeah, so…

Work is like a grist mill and I feel like sometimes I’m in danger of falling in and getting ground up! I like what I do, but I’m feeling burned out.

My family (parental units) and a never-ending source of stress and I avoid them because I’m worried about how sad they will make me.

So…I’m tired. Of everything. Of everyone.