Ego-crushing

Man, I’m really on a roll this summer eh?

Not so much.

I’m feeling fried, burned out, pissed off, frustrated, oh any other acronyms you can add to say unhappy? I’m not even really sure where this came from…My life is generally fine, no real ‘anything’ to be unhappy about.

And yet- in a cascade of doubt- lately I’m feeling piled-upon.

First of all, the horse. I had a MASSIVELY EGO CRUSHING and difficult lesson yesterday. It was HARD. Emotionally hard, unpleasant, challenging and I was almost in tears before it because of the way Oats has been acting, and I was DEFINITELY in tears at the end of it. WHy why why why why….I just felt like he’s been challenging me in subtle ways for weeks now, and it definitely came to a head yesterday. And I can’t find my way out of it again (will I?). We got through it but man, it was so hard. Every time I thought I’d ‘won’ ie- gained his acceptance of coming through the right rein, BLAM! Nope! Fighting allllll over again. And repeat. And repeat. We did get it in the end, but I was soo fried.

This, comes hot off the heels of another board raise notice.

Kind of double-whammied me into thinking why the everloving hell am I bothering? I pay the equivalent of an effing second mortgage for this stupid horse, who, I am not even showing this year and DEFINITELY not enjoying riding at this point?

So what is the point?

Board, lessons twice a week, anxiety counseling once a week, grain, shoes ($$$!), extra training lessons for Oats with my friend, all add up to….?? THIS? I haven’t had a fun or good ride since my last jumping lesson. WTF?

Yeah, so…

Work is like a grist mill and I feel like sometimes I’m in danger of falling in and getting ground up! I like what I do, but I’m feeling burned out.

My family (parental units) and a never-ending source of stress and I avoid them because I’m worried about how sad they will make me.

So…I’m tired. Of everything. Of everyone.

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