I just saw the movie ‘The Double’ which was bizarre (yes Terry Gilliam bizarre, definitely shades of Brazil in there), and it kind of reminded me about how this week I feel like I have been living with two of me.
The ‘normal’ me?
Gets up like a normal person, goes to work, works out at lunch, comes home, walks the dog, gets dressed for riding, has a good ride on Oats, comes home, hangs out with husband, relaxes and reads before bed. The normal me looks forward to weekends, and is seriously considering a surf trip to Tofino next weekend. The normal me also enjoys running, and is running a race this weekend for fun. Good, right? The normal me enjoys downtime and watches more shows than just chain-watching ’30 Rock’.
The ‘other’ me
Gets mad at husband when he doesn’t wake me up on time. Dreads reading emails, for fear of getting another frighteningly sad or crazy one from mom. Doesn’t always answer the phone, because it might be another awkward, sad conversation that I’m not always willing to have. Cries at the gym at lunch. Is sad and moody with coworkers. Tells too many people at the stables about how her family is falling apart. Snaps easily at husband for no real reason (Me: WHY did you dump my cold water from my water bottle??! I wanted to drink that!! Him: Well, I can just pour you some water from the fridge into your water bottle. Me: NO it’s not the same.) Chain-watches ’30 Rock’ because anything else feels too sad and heavy.
Man, it’s not easy, this emotional stuff?!
The good news (if there is a good side to this) is that SOME things at work that make me laugh, (garbage pail kids, anyone?) that my riding lessons on Oats have been on the whole VERY good – my jumping last night felt great, we were going so smoothly, straight, and with a fabulous rhythm! Yeah for jumping tiny weeny jumps, but I’m quite happy with how easy it is starting to feel. I don’t feel as panicked and concerned, and I’m flowing nicely. Even got to make up my own course and it was great!
So…ups and downs. Everyone goes through this, I guess. I’m just going to try to keep the crabby on a leash or under a lid for as long as I can.