I rode on Wednesday in the field, because I felt Oats deserved a chill-out ride after our rather intense lesson on Tuesday.
He was good, we had a very brief ‘battle of wills’ when he wanted to turn left and I wanted to go straight and had to turn him right. Yes, funny how that battle seems to surface and all he wants to do is go LEFT and I want to go RIGHT! He threatened a bit, but I stayed ‘chilly’ and just kept asking, quietly, calmly, asking.
He gave up pretty quick and we went down the field. Trotted, cantered, hopped over the cavalettis- singly at a trot, then trot into the line and canter out, then trot one and skip the other- just to mix it up a bit.
The weirdest part was my incredible anxiety.
Oats was being fine- I had no real probs, he was happy to keep going along, and my heart was in my throat, weirdly. I was so anxious, when I jumped him over the little cavalettis acid practically splashed up my throat- like heartburn!?
(Ok so maybe that part was eating too many sriracha-flavoured chips before heading out to the barn)
But still, what the heck? Am I in a slump? All I can see in my mind is an accident- screwing up, bad things happening, a black cloud hanging over my head all day.
I didn’t have my lesson last night- the indoor is being resurfaced and it got too dark to jump outside- so I didn’t go riding. I rescheduled for Saturday, and I will probably head out for a hack tonight.
But I just keep feeling jealous of the teens/kids at the barn who are seemingly effortless at jumping bigger jumps than me (I want that! For me!) and having great success at shows that I have pretty much made a career out of falling off at. WTF?
So, I am jealous. And anxious. And this is not a good combination. Are we capable of more? Am I holding myself back? (short answer: yes I am).
But how do I move past this? I love jumping and I want to do more, go higher, etc. But the other lizard-part of my brain tightens up even THINKING about it.
How do I move from thinking….to doing? And I have literally been struggling with this for yeaars. YEARS! Some days and some lessons, and some shows, are better. I have been in a slump for awhile though.
And here is a song that wraps up what I am feeling: Tempest by Lucius.